Hornblower: The Very Unfair And Messed Up Duel
by evilspoofauthorCassi
Summary: Hornblower; as we wanted to see it. That is if you're an insane maniacal SpoofAuthor with a weird sense of humor. Includes insanity, lots of laughs and a few cameos from our regular spoof cast.
1. Chapter 1

Warning: This story is the result of the boredom and writers block of an EvilSpoofAuthor, combined with the thoughts of insane people, a handful of painkillers, and a DVD set of the Hornblower series.

Warning: Be afraid...Be VERY afraid... (Or just be prepared to snot your drink all over your keyboard)

Warning: In fact, don't drink while reading.

Warning: In fact, don't eat either. You could choke to death.

Warning: In other news, the sky is falling, and Radioactive Mutant Hummingbirds are attacking "That Planet With the Stupid Name."

Warning: Also this story contains multiple character deaths and resurrections. (pause) That is this story contains multiple deaths of one person...who nobody really likes or cares about anyway, so you won't even have to miss him/it.

**Disclaimer: I do not own anything other than the DVD set of the Hornblower movie series from A&E or I guess BBC. Whichever. The characters are not mine and will be returned in working order. Author claims no legal responsibility for insanity gained by the characters while working for her.**

Warning: You have been warned. eh...repeatedly.

The EvilSpoofAuthors proudly present...

"**Hornblower**"...as we _wanted _to see it... (evil laughter)

**Volume One: "The Very Unfair and Messed up Duel" Chapter One****  
**  
Fun Fact: This story is written in a compromise between our usual script format and our other writing style. Kind if present-tense, I guess. Although usually we're a ways past tense. We live in a house now. [thank you Becca for exposing us to the Marx's...anyhow, it's so we can post it here]

Prelude: (those words at the beginning of the movie-believe it or not, I was really good about messing those up too)

**Fun Fact:** For our regular fans, if you've not seen the movie, it's actually a bit more serious than this.

July...er...no too cold...January 19...er...16...er (checks) 1793.

The British Fleet lies at anchor -although WHY they'd be lying on an anchor, we have no clue- at Spit-Head, which got its name when they had a Hocking Lugies For Distance Contest in the bathroom-

Anyhow-Across the Channel, which, if you didn't change it, would be A&E, a revolution in France is sweeping away the old order. Because after he wrote down "Frog's Legs", we changed it to pizza and threw the old order on the floor for the janitor to sweep up.

This concludes the prelude. On with the messed up story.  
_

We open our movie with a little rowboat headed out to the ship in the rain. It is being rowed by two women, and a VERY green faced Harold Lowe...oops, wrong movie...Horatio Hornblower sits with his arms resting on his sea-chest, as he watches his impending doom draw ever closer.

Woman Number One, whom we'll call Lucy Sparrow, makes a face as Horatio throws up half his breakfast and two vomit pills over the side.

Woman Number Two, whom we'll call Elizabeth Romano, gives a smirk, and exchanges an evil look with Lucy.

Hornblower, who is not paying attention, as he is trying desperately to keep down the rest of his breakfast, grips his sea chest tighter and wishes he'd never taken those vomit pills he was offered at the docks, because obviously they were the reverse kind of vomit pills.

Meanwhile, aboard the floating dump known as the_ Justinian_, Midshipman Archie Kennedy is watching the boat approach.

"Shore boat ahoy!" He shouts, grumbling under his breath at not being allowed to have an umbrella.

Lucy turns to look. "Aye aye!" She responds, silently thanking God the danger of being puked on is almost past.

Hornblower looks up, trying to see Archie, but his contacts are continuously fogging up, due to the weather.

Archie looks down at Horatio as the newbie stands in the rowboat, holding onto his precious sea chest. As the soggy green faced newbie looks up, Archie leans over, holding onto a rope. "Jump! You'll be alright!"

Horatio, not paying attention to the evil grins on the women's faces, jumps for the ladder...at about the same time the boat jerks, causing him to fall into the water.

"Whoops." Elizabeth remarks apologetically. "Our bad."

Hornblower grumbles as he climbs the ladder and glares at Archie, who helps him stand up on the deck.

"Well, it seemed close enough." Archie defends, looking innocent. "Anyhow, welcome to purgatory. May God have mercy on your soul during your stay here."

"What a dump." Horatio mutters as he looks around. (He was _thinking_ it! We all know it.)

Off to the side, Eccleston and Chadd are talking and laughing. They are standing under two girly colored umbrellas. One is pink with light pink hearts on it and the other is pastel green with ruffles on the sides.

"Wait a sec! Hold it!" The Director cuts in. "What's with the umbrellas?

"Like we want pneumonia?" Chadd responds, pointedly. "We borrowed them from Earl and Grady. They said it was okay!"

"Get rid of 'em! They belong on the set of "_Tremors 2_!" The Director commands.

The Lieutenants grumble, but comply and the umbrellas are taken away.

"Carry on." The Director orders.

Horatio is still standing with Archie and looking VERY green. Archie eyes him before moving farther away, obviously not wanting to get barfed on.

"Ehhh, over here." Archie stammers, motioning to the two Leftennants, who are now grumbling. "Mr. Eccleston, sir."

The two Leftennants look up, seeming rather content that Hornblower is wetter than they are.

"Come aboard, sir." Horatio manages, still looking queasy.

Eccleston steps back. "I'm already aboard. In fact, we're both VERY bored."

Archie nods. "I was too, sir, but watching him fall into the water was hysterical. Shame you missed it."

Hornblower glares.

"Your name?" Eccleston asks, trying to prevent his Midshipman from being strangled by the newbie.

"Horatio Hornblower, sir. M-m-midshipman." He stutters, still trying to keep down the rest of his breakfast.

Eccleston nods. "Eccleston. Fist Leftennant." He motions to Chadd. "Chadd, Leftennant of the Watch."

Hornblower nods to both of them.

Eccleston looks him over. "Did you bring your dunnage aboard with you?"

"M-my sea chest is c-coming aboard forward, sir." Hornblower replies.

From "Forward", there is a loud splash.

"Oops!" Elizabeth calls out. "Sorry about that!"

There is a moment of silence between the Officers before Archie quietly speaks up. "You didn't tip them, did you?"

"I was supposed to?" Horatio asks.

Eccleston pats him on the shoulder. "Happens all the time." He assures him. "Live and learn. I'll see that it's fished out and sent below...which is where you should go as well. Get out of those wet clothes."

"Yes sir." Hornblower answers, before he catches himself. "I mean, aye aye sir." He makes a sloppy salute.

Beside Eccleston, Chadd smirks and shakes his head, not looking at Horatio.

"Mr. Kennedy." Eccleston speaks up.

Archie stops his mocking impersonations of Horatio, and stands at attention. "Sir!"

"Take Mr. Hornblower to the Midshipman's berth." Eccleston orders.

"Aye aye sir." Archie answers, giving a _proper_ salute, before leading Hornblower down a VERY steep set of stairs.

Down below, someone is playing the fiddle while two crewmen resembling Horatio and Archie dance on a table top, while loads of girls stick money in their pants . . . and the other crewmen stand pouting nearby because they didn't think of wearing tight ripped jeans.

"Mind your step." Archie calls back, leading Hornblower around a corner to another steep staircase, past the gun-deck, where a load of crew members and women alike are partying on the cannons. "Difficult to say who smells worse." Archie continues. "The men or the beasts in the mangers forward...in fact, it's difficult to even tell the difference these days."

Horatio is still trying to keep his breakfast down and getting greener by the minute.

"One gets used to it." Archie mutters, continuing.

Horatio makes an exaggerated "gag" face behind Archie's back, and a "crazy" motion pointing at Archie, as he goes down the next staircase.

Before Archie makes it to the bottom, Horatio's foot slips and he falls down the stairs, smacking into Archie landing both of them in a heap at the base of the stairs on the deck floor.

Styles, Matthews, and Oldroyd stand, surrounded by whores, and laughing.

"There lays His Majesty's latest bad bargain." Styles quips, offering them his hands to help them up.

Archie pushes Horatio off, and quickly checks to make sure there's no barf on him, before accepting Styles hand, and they both help up Hornblower.

"Belay that, Styles!" Archie orders, glaring. "Or I'll show everyone that picture of you eating breakfast in your underwear with your clothes halfway off!" (Yes there is one, it's hysterical)

Styles stares. "You wouldn', Sir."

Archie gives him an insane, maniacal look.

"Eh, righ' then...aye aye, sir." Styles murmurs backing away.

Horatio hits his head on a low ceiling beam.

Archie looks back, apologetically. "Watch your head."

Horatio rolls his eyes and glares as the crewmen laugh again.

Archie pulls him around the corner before he can strangle anyone and begins talking while Horatio pays no attention whatsoever as he is STILL trying not to be sick.

"Anyhow, it'll get better when we get off this smelly stink hole and transfer to a new ship. Our only hope at present-DUCK!" Archie shouts back, pulling Horatio under another low beam.

Horatio is STILL not listening.

"Our only hope at present is that the Frenchies murder their King and start a war with us. I personally just said that if one of us went in and killed him, that would just start the war faster, but my father just said it would be a waste of time, because they would probably just do it themselves anyway.

"Either way, it starts a war and we all get promoted. Sure it sounds weird, but really we're not the only ones who've wanted to start a war just to keep us from fossilizing in boredom and dying of exposure to filthy disgusting drooling animals . . . and really the pigs and beasts in the mangers smell just as bad."

Archie finishes as they have finally reached the Midshipman's Berth, where, ironically, nobody is giving birth, despite the name...

End of Chapter One. There is more to come.


	2. Chapter 2

**Warning: Author + painkiller = this chapter. May God have mercy on Simpson's soul.**

Warning: Actually, I torture everyone equally.

Warning: Okay, Simpson will most likely die more often than anyone else.

Warning: Well, okay, at this time, I have no plans to kill anyone but Simpson; and only because he's such a creep and I have issues against creeps like him.

Warning: Also at this time, flying purple monkeys are coming, chased by Eck the Lion. Run run run! The sky is about to fall!

Man them was good painkillers.

**Fun Fact:** The Author does not advertise the use of drugs. . . unless you actually have a prescription for said drugs. And for the record, I do.

**Disclaimer:** I do not own the characters at all. I'm just poking fun with them. Author holds no responsibility for insanity gained by characters from working for me. It's their own fault! I WAS FRAMED, I TELL YOU; FRAMED!

**Fun Fact:** This section is much longer than the first. [just for the hhfic group] You're welcome and thanks for all your encouragement and demands for more. Enjoy!

And Now I finally give you the next section. Please use food and drinks wisely. I will not be sued for anyone choking to death. Thank you. (and for the record, this is not a made up warning. One of the ladies on the hhfic group list neglected to heed the warning and ended up nearly plastering her keyboard with whatever she was drinking at the time)

**The Very Unfair and Messed Up Duel : Part Two**

Where were we? Oh yes, Horatio and Archie have arrived in the Midshipman's berth, and none of the men are giving birth. Thank God. Otherwise someone would have to call Guinness and report that. Can you imagine the mess we'd have? There would be reporters everywhere! (pause) Um right. Ahem, back to the story.

Horatio stands in the doorway, looking rather like he's going to barf at any minute, while Archie calmly walks in, taking his wet coat off and quickly checks to make sure the other midshipmen have not eaten  
his dinner for him.

As soon as he's sure his dinner has remained untouched, Archie looks over at where Horatio is _still_ standing in the doorway, like an idiot. This is when Archie remembers Horatio doesn't know anyone yet.

"Oh!" He speaks up, finally. "Allow me to introduce the Midshipmen of His Majesty's Ship of the Line, 'Justinian'." Archie pauses, and we assume he doesn't know their names either, as he continues to describe the name of the ship instead. "Also called _'The Bowels of Hell'_, _'Misery Loves Company'_, _'Hell on Earth'_, or just the good ship; _'Slough of Despond_.'"

Horatio, hearing this, seems to be seriously rethinking his choice to join the Navy. . . . Either that, or he's still trying not to throw up. We're not really sure. Probably both.

"What's that?" Midshipman Hether asks, making a face.

"And why does he look like a drowned rat?" Cleveland adds.

Archie grins. "This is a new mess-mate, gentlemen. . . . and he forgot to tip the rowers, so he fell overboard." He informs them matter-of-factly.

"And he ended up on _this_ ship?" Hether puts in. "What did you do for _that_ terrible punishment?"

They wait a moment.

"Can he talk?" Cleveland asks.

Archie shrugs, then looks at Horatio.

"My name's Hornblower." The newbie manages to reply, proving he certainly wasn't listening to the questions.

Archie stands next to him, snickering, and the others make faces.

"Congratulations, you've just earned the 'Dorkiest Name Award,'" Cleveland tells him, seriously.

"How old are you, Mr. Dorki- er, Mr. Hornblower?" Clayton asks, smoking what certainly _doesn't _look like a cigarette.

"Seventeen, sir." Horatio stammers.

The others stare.

"Are you sure?" Archie questions eyeing him. "You look at least five and twenty."

"I think I would know my own age, sir." Horatio points out.

The others shrug, exchanging glances that plainly state; "Yeah right."

"Whatever." Cleveland remarks rolling his eyes. "You still should have started at twelve, no matter how old you are."

"I bet he doesn't even know the difference between a head and a halyard." Hether retorts with a smirk.

Horatio glares at him, swallowing again, in an effort to keep his stomach in place. "For your information I happen to know a 'head' is that lump three feet above your arse." He bursts out, defensively. "Everyone knows that."

The others pause, considering this.

"Well, I suppose he has a point." Archie admits quietly.

The others finally nod, and Horatio suddenly staggers forward and pukes his guts out at the end of the dinner table.

"I think he's seasick." Archie finally speaks up, eating bits of his dinner. (okay seriously, Horatio's barfing practically on the table and Archie is **eating**! I'm impressed)

"_**Seasick**_?" Cleveland chokes out.

"We're still at _anchor_!" Hether adds, in disbelief.

"I was eating here." Clayton informs them, flatly.

Archie shrugs and continues eating. "At least he missed my plate." He points out with his mouth full.

Clayton stubs out his joint and gets up to drag Horatio to his hammock.

Unfortunately, because everything in his sea chest is wet, he has to borrow something of Archie's. And of course since Archie is a few inches shorter, the clothes are a bit short.

Naturally, to prevent his having to loan Horatio something later, Archie hangs up the rest of Horatio's clothes to dry. . . after he finishes his dinner, of course, let's don't be stupid here.

"I'm sorry." Horatio tells Clayton as the elder Midshipman is pulling the covers over him. "I didn't mean to puke my guts out and make you lose your appetite."

Clayton sighs. "Don't worry about it." He assures the ailing man. "There are much worse things around here to make one lose their appetite."

Horatio doesn't seem to hear him, and falls asleep.

* * *

**The Next Morning**: Or I assume so; as it's stopped raining and all.

The men are lined up in their places on the deck of the ship when Horatio finally joins them, between Archie and Clayton.

"It's about time." Archie tells him. "At least you made it before the Captain came on board."

Horatio frowns. "That's the _Captain_? I thought it was the _King _or something!" He retorts, rolling his eyes. "I'm going back to bed."

Clayton and Archie pull him back and Horatio grumbles as he stands in his place.

"Captain Keene." Clayton remarks. "If ever a man was wrongly named. He looks like he's about to drop dead any moment."

Horatio shrugs. "I must thank you for your earlier kindness, Mr. . . . ?"

"Clayton." He supplies.

Archie frowns. "Hey! What about me? I was kind! Why aren't you thanking me?" He demands, as the men blow those **very** annoying high pitched whistles, that I have every plan to throw overboard if I ever get near them.

"You were laughing and eating, not helping." Horatio reminds him.

"I was hungry!" Archie defends. "I had to stand out there in the rain, waiting for you. That was kind!"

"You were making fun of me." Horatio corrects him.

"I loaned you my clothes, then hung yours up!" Archie continues.

Horatio sighs. "Thank you, Archie."

Archie nods, satisfied.

"Shut up!" Clayton hisses, then motions to the Captain, who has just boarded the ship.

The men fall silent as Captain Keene walks by, headed for his quarters, completely ignoring the men who have gathered to welcome him.

"See?" Horatio points out. "I could have stayed in bed, and he wouldn't even have noticed."

"Don't be silly." Archie replies, honestly. "Eccleston would have told on you."

Horatio rolls his eyes. "Figures." He mutters.

**The Captain's Quarters: **

The Captain is standing by the window with an unfolded letter in his hands. Horatio stands, trying not to look too much like a dork, while he watches expectantly.

"Your father writes that you are a solitary boy." Captain Keene remarks, while reading. "On a vessel with over 800 people and God knows how many visitors, you're unlikely to find either the time, nor place for solitude. So the anti-social act is going to have to go."

Keene covers his mouth with a kerchief as he starts in with loud, hacking coughs.

Horatio nervously watches, while at the same time, wondering what he's supposed to do if the Captain does indeed drop dead, as Mr. Clayton has mentioned.

"How is the good Dr. Hornblower?" Keene asks when he recovers. "Well, I trust?"

"Yes sir." Horatio responds, relieved that the Captain is at least still able to talk. "Thank you sir." He continues, uncertainly. "He said to be sure to thank you for accepting me as a Midshipman on the _'Slough of'_-, I mean the _'Justinian._'"

Keene nods. "One good turn deserves another." He answers. "Your father is an excellent physician."

"Yes, sir." Horatio agrees, not really sure of what else to say,

"The son of a Doctor! HAH!" Keene bursts out laughing. [For what reason, we have no clue.]

Horatio frowns, unable to figure out why he's suddenly being made fun of.

Keene walks over across the room, and picks up a pitcher we can see contains an alcoholic beverage . . . which explains a lot.

"You'd have done better to have chosen a Lord for a father if you wanted to make a career in His Majesty's Navy." Keene snorts, while he pours himself a drink.

Horatio does not comment. We assume he is thinking, like the rest of us, that the Captain is a complete nutcase . . . because anyone with half a brain knows that children have no control whatsoever over who their parents are.

"How far did your education go?" Keene asks, continuing, before he goes into yet another coughing fit.

"I was a Grecian in school." Horatio answers, timidly, while wondering if his father knows that his patient is drinking alcohol in that condition.

"Speak up!"

"I was a Grecian sir, at school." Horatio replies louder.

"You just said that!" Keene reminds him.

"Yes sir, sorry sir."

"So you've construed Xenophon, as well as Cicero." Keene states moving back to the other side of the room with his glass.

Horatio gives a smile, as he understands dorky things like this. "Yes sir." He pauses. "Although not very well, sir."

Keene sighs. "You would have done better, if you knew something about sines and cosines, better still, if you could foresee a squall in time to get t'galliants in!" He snaps. [boy does _this_ guy blow hot and cold]

"We have no time for ablative absolutes in the Navy." Keene finishes.

Horatio blinks. "No sir." He replies. "Does this mean I should go home?"

"Don't be silly." Keene responds, pointedly. "Obey orders. Do your duty, and no harm will come to you."

"Bullshit!" Archie coughs loudly. "Bullshit!"

"I don't recall Archie being in this scene!" The Director remarks, pointedly.

"My apologies, ma'am. It slipped." Archie responds, guiltily. "Won't happen again."

"Right then, continue."

"You're dismissed." Keene orders, ignoring the interruption.

Horatio nods and exits the room, leaving Captain Keene to his drinking.

* * *

**That Evening At Dinner"**

The Midshipman are gathered at the dinner table, calmly having dinner, with the exception of Clayton, who is playing a melancholy tune on the fiddle . . . . because the Director told him to stop smoking his weed at the table.

Cleveland sits at the head of the table . . . . wait, the table has a head and yet men can't give birth? What gives? Where does the table get off being weird if the men can't be? Ehhh, right, that's not important. Anyhow, the men are discussing places much warmer and more scenic then where they currently are.

"The Indies, Horatio. That's the place to be." Hether is telling Horatio. "Clear blue sky, and water too."

"Not to mention the cute beach bunnies in their bikinis." Cleveland adds, grinning.

Horatio raises an eyebrow. "I should very much like to see that."

Archie rolls his eyes, as bunnies don't really interest him, no matter what they wear. [Why they would interest **any** man, I personally have no clue, but hey, whatever floats their boat.]

"So you will." Cleveland tells Horatio, with a sigh. "If we ever get out of this gross place and back out to sea again."

The others nod in agreement.

Behind Hether and Archie, is a young blond boy. Who he is, or what he is even doing there is completely unknown. The men just seem to ignore him, so that's what we'll do.

Archie and Hether look up, suddenly.

Archie fires a gun before anyone knows what has happened. A body thuds to the floor, as Clayton drags the bow over the strings in a loud squawk.

They all stare at Archie.

"_**Kennedy**_!" The Director shouts.

"Apologies again, ma'am. It was a _mis_fire! _**Really**_! It wasn't my fault!" Archie defends.

"Okay, meds bring the dead guy back, and somebody take the trigger-happy Officer's gun away." The Director responds, shaking her head.

Clayton snatches Archie's gun and gives him a brainduster.

Archie is pouting and staring at his plate.

"Continue." The Director orders.

**Take Two**

"You're in my seat." Simpson suddenly speaks up, startling everyone, even though they all knew he was going to be there.

"The head of the table is _my_ place!" Simpson continues.

Cleveland hastily moves out of the way, and Simpson claims the now empty seat.

"How now, my dear sweet fellow Officers?" Simpson asks sweetly, pretending he doesn't know they all hate his guts. "No cheer for Jack's return?"

Archie is still pouting. "I would cheer, but Clayton took my gun away." He mutters under his breath.

"What?" Simpson asks, glaring.

"Nothing." Archie answers, innocently, and starts playing with his food.

"We took you for a Lieutenant by now, Jack." Cleveland speaks up, lamely.

"Did you?"

"Your Commission?" Hether inquires.

"Refused."

"Oh. . . bad luck." Hether murmurs, after a minute.

The others do not comment, as they all know Simpson is a complete idiot, and none of them seriously thought he'd pass, anyway.

"Bad luck, indeed." Simpson agrees. "For all of you pathetic souls that I'll take it out on for the next six months, for Acting Lieutenant Simpson is once again Mr. Midshipman Simpson. . . at your service."

Again, no one comments, as they have no clue as to how he got promoted to Acting Lieutenant in the first place. [seriously, how _did _that happen? It's obvious Keene thinks he's an idiot, so who promoted him? Or was it something Keene did by accident when he was drunk?]

Simpson looks up, as if he has just noticed there is a newbie at the table. "What's this?" He asks. "A new face amongst our august company? Mister. . ?"

"Hornblower, sir. Pleased to meet you." Horatio responds, a little unsure about the latter part.

Simpson eyes the newbie's plate. "What have you got there?" He asks, as he reaches over to investigate.

As Simpson's hand passes over his plate, Horatio suddenly sneezes, loudly, blowing bits of snot all over his plate, and Simpson's cheaply tattooed hand. [And when I say 'cheaply', I mean his tattoo looks like it came off a gum wrapper]

Simpson pulls his hand back, disgusted.

Horatio sniffles loudly. "Beg pardon, I seem to be fighting a cold." He apologizes.

"Probably from falling overboard, yesterday." Cleveland puts in, nodding.

Simpson, busily cleaning his hand with an antibacterial wipie, glares. "Didn't you ever learn to _cover your_ _**mouth?**_" He demands.

Horatio flushes. "Well, I didn't really expect to have your hand over my plate, did I?"

Simpson glares. "Kennedy?"

Archie, still stabbing his food, ignores him. He is making the food beg for its life, while muttering "die, Simpson, die," under his breath.

"_**KENNEDY**_!" Simpson shouts, loudly.

Archie jumps a foot in the air, and his completely stabbed to death hunk of meat goes flying through the air, where it lands, with a splattering plunk, in Simpson's lap.

Simpson, after plucking the mutilated hunk of meat out of his lap, with his thumb and index finger, calmly turns to Archie. "You will acquaint young Snotty with the way of things . . . or have you forgotten so soon?" He demands.

"N-n-no . . . I- I. . ." Archie manages to stammer, then turns to Horatio. "Mr. Simpson may levy a toll upon our sea chests for fresh shirts, likewise our issue of spirits, and best cuts of meat go to him."

"Why?" Horatio asks, pointedly.

"He's Senior Officer in the mess." Archie explains.

"We are all Midshipmen." Horatio points out.

"Yes, but he'll beat the stuffing out of you if you disagree with him." Archie informs Horatio.

"We're still all Midshipmen."

"That smacks Republicanism to my mind, Mr. Hornblower." Simpson cuts in. "Is that what you are?"

"Well to my knowledge, there's nothing in the King's regulations-"

**"I** **piss on your regulations!**" Simpson bellows, stabbing a knife into the table by Horatio's plate. [if you can call that puny little thing a knife. coughsissybladecough... ]

"There's but one law in this mess." Simpson continues. "Render unto Caesar." [we're not really sure if he means "mess" as in the entire ship, or just this room, but hey, whatever works.]

"I'll leave it to you to figure out which of us is Caesar, and which of us is to do the rendering." Simpson finishes.

Horatio frowns. "The salad dressing guy or the Pizza guy?" He asks, confused.

Archie bursts out laughing. "Pizza-pizza!" He gasps, in stitches. "Render unto the Pizza-Pizza guy!"

The others watch as he slides to the floor in hysterics, laughing and crying.

Clayton, staring at Archie, wide eyed, looks up. "Miss Director, I think Archie has gone bye-bye."

The Director walks over and eyes Archie, in hysterics on the floor, making sure he's not having a fit or something. Finally, she returns to her chair. "Just try to ignore him and continue."

Clayton shrugs and goes back to the script. "He takes your meaning, Jack!".

Simpson turns to Clayton. "Ah Clayton, you gin-soaked Pot-head." He replies. "Strangle a tune out of that fiddle."

Clayton stares at him a moment and shrugs, and, laying the bow down on the table, he proceeds to strangle the fiddle.

The fiddle squawks in agony as it is slowly strangled to death.

Distracted by the dying fiddle, Archie manages to pull himself off the floor and back into his seat.

Simpson stares at Clayton like he's insane, then closes his eyes, shaking his head. "Literalists." He mutters under his breath. "Mr. Kennedy!"

Archie turns away from the strangling fiddle to look at Simpson. "Huh?"

"That Mr. Hornblower might learn who runs this mess you'll wake him every half hour, day and night, until I tell you otherwise." Simpson orders.

Archie sighs.

To be continued.


	3. Chapter 3

**Warning:** Author is not in right mind. Therefore this entire story can be legally classified as Temporary Insanity. Translation: Don't bother suing me...besides, I don't own the characters anyway, and frankly I don't even have any money right now or anything remotely worth suing for. [well, I have money, but technically, I've already spent it.]

**Fun Fact:** That warning was actually the disclaimer in disguise. Shhh, don't tell.

**Warning:** Archie will most likely either be insane, psychotic, or both by the end of this fic. . . but really it's more Simpson's fault than mine. However, for those concerned, we have a VERY excellent shrink working for us, who is conveniently playing the part of Archie's father in my Two Towers spoof, and don't worry. . . Dr. Lecter has said he'll be completely professional about the whole "Archie/Simpson" thing. He's decided that he'll give them joint classes in cooking "just to smooth things over."

**Fun Fact:** Horatio has decided not to join Archie's cooking classes. He thinks it's best that Archie and his new father have this as their "quality time together." Or so we assume. Horatio left the kitchen rather quickly and slightly green in the face.

**Warning:** Beware of Fangirls...they could be anywhere...

**Cast:** **Ahhhhhh! Fangirls! Run for your lives!**

Ahem, now that I've gotten that out of my system, we now return you to the spoof in progress.  
**  
The Very Unfair and Messed Up Duel: Part Three**

**Later That Night**. . . . .

Above, some guy rings a bell on the half hour mark.

Down in the Midshipman's berth, Archie is asleep and seems to be in the middle of a nightmare. Groaning and grunting, he suddenly screams at the top of his lungs, falls out of his hammock, and goes into shaking convulsions on the floor, waking everyone in the berth up. (in fact, I wouldn't be surprised if he woke up most of the ship too-I'll bet they just ignore it by now)

"Kennedy!" Horatio bursts out, shocked. (as if the guy's gonna hear him like that)

Simpson groans. "Oh not again!" He grumbles. "Kennedy! I said to wake _**Hornblower!**_ Not me and the whole bloody ship!"

Struggling, Horatio pulls himself out of his hammock. "Something's wrong! He's _sick_!" He argues at Simpson.

"I don't care if he's _dying_, keep him quiet!" Simpson gripes back.

Choosing not to comment on Simpson's priorities, Horatio grabs hold of the struggling Archie and Clayton joins them on the floor.

"They've started again." Clayton states, with a sigh. "I feared as much."

The two wait until Archie stops convulsing, and they finally relax their grip.

"Help me get him back into bed." Clayton speaks up after a minute.

"He doesn't have a bed." Horatio tells him, flatly. "He has an uncomfortable excuse for a canvas hammock like the rest of us."

"Tomato, tomahto." Clayton remarks, with a shrug. "Help me get him off the floor."

The two Midshipmen manage to hoist Archie back up into his hammock. As Archie relaxes into sleep, a chorus of "Awwww"s comes out of nowhere, and twenty-five Jamie Bamber Fangirls rush in to take pictures of the adorable Kodak moment.

"Oookaaay." Clayton retorts, confused.

The two exchange a glance and shrug as they wait for the Fangirls to leave before they continue with the scene.

Over near the wall, Simpson is grumbling over his loss of beauty sleep. . . not to mention he's also jealous because no Fangirls ever came to take pictures of _him _when he's sleeping.

"If he's unfit, Clayton can take over his duties of waking Hornblower." Simpson orders, as he rolls over.

Clayton rolls his eyes. "Yeah whatever, Jack."

Horatio looks at Clayton and motions to Archie's adorable sleeping form. "What ails him?" He asks.

"Your father's a doctor, why don't you already know?" Clayton returns.

Horatio raises an eyebrow. "Because my _father_ is the doctor, not _me_." He points out, flatly,

"Oh right." Clayton admits. "I suppose that does make sense."

"So what's wrong with him?"

Clayton motions toward Simpson. "What's wrong with the rest of us?"

"Ah, say no more." Horatio answers with a nod.

In his own uncomfortable excuse for a canvas hammock, Simpson lays, pouting.

* * *

**WARNING**: At the time this was written, the Author had a horrible migraine . . . so any damage to Simpson was clearly "accidental." honest!

* * *

Later that night:

Above decks, a guy rings the bell at the half hour mark.

In her chair, the Director is wearing a pair of dark shades and winces. "Oh no...quit with the bell. No ringing bells." She complains.

The guy with the bell, whom we'll call John Carter, turns to the Director. "But . . . . I have to ring the bell. It's in the script."

"No, you don't. No bells, no loud noises." The Director orders.

John Carter shrugs. "Uh... okay, I'll see what I can do."

The ship's bell now has a bright pink 'post it' note stuck to it, reading "_Out of Order_."

Mr. Carter stands beside his buddy, Mr. Bay. Checking his wristwatch, Mr. Carter walks out to the middle of the Quarter Deck. "Ding ding." He announces, quietly.

Below, down in the Midshipman's berth, Clayton is listening for the bell. He frowns when he doesn't hear it.

"The bell is out of order." The Director's Assistant, whom we'll call Mr. Rob Romano, tells Clayton.

Mr. Romano walks over and hands him a stop-watch. "Use this instead."

Clayton shrugs. "Oookaaay." He leans over and nudges Horatio.

"Um, yeah, I'm awake." Horatio murmurs, nodding.

Satisfied, Clayton lays back down.

During the night, Clayton taps Horatio every half hour. Each time, Horatio either opens his eyes or replies that he's awake.

Simpson having kept an ear on the situation for the first hour, goes to sleep, satisfied.

* * *

Early the next morning, Horatio wakes up feeling fresh and well-rested. Confused, he gets up and walks over to where Clayton is sitting at the table with his coffee-and-bourbon, and smoking his morning joint.

Clayton, who has not slept all night, looks a little confused that Horatio is looking so well.

"I wanted to thank you for letting me sleep last night." Horatio tells Clayton, gratefully. "But won't you get into trouble with Little Caesar if he finds out?"

Clayton blinks. "Um. . . . no. Just sort of pretend you're really sleepy or something." He replies after a beat.

Horatio shrugs. "Will do." He answers, pretending to drag himself out the berth.

Clayton stares after him a moment. "That has got to be the most sound sleeper on the planet." He murmurs, shaking his head, as he stubs out his joint.

(_Dedicated to Mr. Harold Lowe [also played by Ioan Gruffudd], who not only slept through an iceberg collision but also slept through his fellow Officer, Mr. Boxhall calling him to get up_)

Above decks, a short fuzzy footed guy holding the whistle, takes one look at the Director, and quickly sticks a pink 'post it' "_Out of Order_" sign on the whistle.

The whistle guy, whom we'll call Mr. Pippin, exchanges a glance with his friend, Mr. Merry, and they walk to the center of the deck. "Tweet." They both announce, throwing the out-of-order whistles overboard.

Confused, Horatio shakes his head and walks out onto the deck, still trying to look tired.

Oldroyd and Matthews are using wet mops and floor-waxers on the deck in front of him.

Predictably Hornblower's feet fly out from under him and he lands on his rear with a wince.

The Sailing crew starts laughing.

Horatio, bright red and glaring tries to get up, but the cute, girly, black buckle shoes he's wearing are not cooperating with him and he keeps falling back down.

Finally, Archie takes pity on him and helps him to his feet, while the other men are STILL laughing.

"See? I'm being nice!" Archie tells him pointedly, as he pulls him off the wet spot.

"Thank you, Archie." Horatio sighs, then frowns. "Nice shades."

Archie adjusts his dark sunglasses, defensively. "I have a headache." He tells Horatio, pointedly.

The Director brightens. "Oh I understand!" She calls out, with a completely sincere look. "You can come over and sit by me!"

Archie casts a sideways glance at the Director, who pats the chair beside her. With a shrug toward Horatio, Archie joins her in the nice comfy Director's chair beside her own.

The Director hands him a bottle. "Vitamin E?"

Archie grins. "Don't mind if I do!" He replies, swallowing two Excedrin.

They look up at Horatio, who is still staring.

"Well don't just stand there, gawking!" Archie bursts out. "Back to the story. I'm not in this scene, anyway."

Horatio rolls his eyes. "Director's pet." He mutters under his breath.

"Sir!" Mr. Styles calls out from the ratlines.

Horatio ignores him.

"Mr. 'Ornblower!" Styles tries again, finally getting the boy's attention. "Mr. Eccleston asks if you can attend him on the Fighting Top!"

"The Fighting Top?" Horatio asks, looking up at it.

"Yes sir!" Styles tells him. "Righ' away sir!"

Horatio blinks. "Can't he get down by himself?" He asks suspiciously.

Archie stares. "Now _there's_ an interesting mental image."

The Director nods.

"Sir?" Styles remarks to him quietly. "When a higher-rankin' Officer gives ye an order, yer s'posed to obey it, no' ask why."

Horatio looks up again and bites his lip, looking sicker by the second.

Styles, remembering well the day Hornblower came aboard steps back well out of the way of any possible 'accidents.' "Up you go, then." The older sailor tells Horatio making a motion toward the ratlines.

Uncertainly, Horatio starts to climb the ratlines, looking even MORE sick, as if such a thing was possible.

Archie, from his seat on the deck beside the Director frowns and looks up at Horatio's green face. "Um, wait . . . are we downwind?"

The Director looks up. "You think it's blowing that hard?" She asks, cautiously.

Archie licks his finger and holds it up into the wind a moment. "We should move over there. _**now**_.

The Director takes another look at Horatio and nods. " Good idea." She replies.

The Director, her two Assistants, Mr. Lightoller and Mr. Romano, as well as Archie, move their chairs to a spot safely upwind; on the other side of the deck.

"Continue." The Director commands.

Horatio, watching them, glares then freaks out as a ratline below his foot tears loose. He is now hanging on for dear life, while _still _trying not to throw up . . . and he is _definitely _rethinking his choice to join the Navy.

Above, Simpson suddenly looks down and starts laughing.

Below, Archie gives a devious grin and pulls out a sling-shot. The Director is still watching Horatio's progress, ignoring him, Eyeing her, he quickly fires a rock at Simpson's head and stashes the sling-shot into his top coat, assuming a completely innocent look.

Simpson loses his balance as the rock hits him and falls to the deck below with a loud smacking sound.

Archie, puts on a mock-concerned face. "Oh dear. He should be more careful up there." He speaks up, sounding horrified.

Mr. Romano, who saw the shot, but doesn't give a rip, shrugs. "Thank God we moved over here." He puts in, shaking his head. "Look at that_ mess_!"

The Director shakes her head. "Well don't just _stand_ there! Someone bring him back!"

The Medical Team comes in and drags the body away yet again.

Horatio, having seen Simpson fall, completely freaks out. "**HELP ME**! _**SOMEBODY!**_

"Should I go get him?" Archie asks after a moment.

"Nah, wait until the scene's over." Mr. Romano remarks. "He'll just have to climb back up there anyway."

* * *

**TAKE TWO: (as soon as Simpson has resumed his perch on the Fighting Top)**

On the ground Styles looks from Matthews, to Oldroyd, to Finch, then up at Hornblower's now _very _green face. "We should move."

The others nod and the group moves.

Simpson looks down over the edge, holding on tighter this time. "Not a feared of heights, are you, Snotty?" He asks, laughing.

Hornblower, looking worse, sighs. "Help me! _Please_." He begs, desperately.

Simpson, laughing, shakes his head. "Mighty long drop." He replies, climbing down past the traumatized young boy, leaving him there, with a smirk. As he walks off, he glares at Archie. "Watch your back." He snarls.

The Director glares, raising an eyebrow. "Rob?"

Mr. Romano shrugs and shoots Simpson.

Archie bursts out laughing and sticks his tongue out at the dead body.

The Medical Team comes back to drag the body away . . . again.

"Nobody threatens the Director's Pet." The Director growls, possessively.

Clayton stares at Archie. "And you approve of being a _**Pet?**_

"Better the Director's Pet then Simpson's." Archie points out, sheepishly.

Clayton shrugs. "Well, I suppose you have a point." He agrees.

The Director looks up at Horatio and turns to her Pet. "Well, go get him down." She orders.

Archie grins and climbs up the ratlines to talk Horatio back down. –As we all know he probably did anyway—

**LESSONS IN NAVIGATING: MIDSHIPMAN'S CLASS "SLOUGH OF-I MEAN **_**JUSTINIAN"**_

Simpson, Cleveland, Hether, Archie, and Horatio are seated in a row with Clayton and the Unknown Blonde Boy is seated behind them all...still being completely ignored.

Anyhow, the class is writing on their little chalk-boards or slates. I read Little House on the Prairie so yes I know they're called Slates...however Little Chalkboards sounds so much more cuter, so that's what we'll call them.

Keene holds a watch. "Time, gentlemen!" He announces. "Let us see how you have fared with the problem set forth by Mr. Bowles." He takes Mr. Simpson's Little Chalkboard.

"Mr. Simpson, we must all rejoice!" Keene shouts.

"Did he finally get one right?" Mr. Bowles asks, staring.

Keene rolls his eyes. "No. The sources of the Nile have been discovered at last!" He tells them all, then looks at Simpson. "Your ship, from what I can make out of your illiterate scrawl, is in Central _**Africa!**_"

Simpson, who had been hoping he _had_ actually gotten it right for once, pouts.

Keene moves on, taking the next Little Chalkboard. "Mr. Cleveland?" He glances at the board. "No."

Moving on, he looks at Mr. Hether's Little Chalkboard. "No."

Hether looks a bit surprised as if he'd actually thought for sure he was right.

"Mr. Kennedy?" Keene takes Archie's Little Chalkboard and stares at it.

Archie tries to look nonchalant.

Keene blinks. "No." He pauses as he hands the Little Chalkboard back. "Have you thought anymore about that counseling I suggested?"

Archie shrugs, looking at his Little Chalkboard, which is covered in doodles of Simpson dying in various ways while begging for his life.

"Right then, Mr. Hornblower." Keene remarks, moving on taking Horatio's Little Chalkboard off his lap. The Captain looks impressed. "Mr. Hornblower, you must be proud to be alone successful amongst this crowd of intellectual giants." He pauses, looking down at Archie. "And one insane confused psychotic."

Archie turns his Little Chalkboard over trying to look innocent.

"If you double your attainment, as you double your years, I'm a feared you'll leave the rest of us behind, Mr. Hornblower." Keene tells him, smoothly, before turning. "Mr. Bowles, please be so good as to insure that Mr. Simpson pays even more attention to his mathematical studies. Good day, gentlemen!"

Horatio frowns and looks at Archie. "What did you get?"

Archie hastily erases his doodles. "Oh nothing. Congratulations." He remarks before leaving.

Simpson is glaring at Hornblower.

**THAT EVENING IN THE MIDSHIPMAN'S BERTH**

The Midshipmen are gathered around the table. A few of them are reading. The rest just seem to be sitting around fidgeting.

Again, the Unknown Blonde Boy is reading a book and still being completely ignored. (pause) Man, do you wonder if that ever bothers him? Just to sit around and be completely ignored? Seriously, how much can one child take of that? Makes you wonder how soon he'll crack, just looking at him? Does he have a complex? Is he crazy? How much does he pay his shrink per month? Um, oh right, we were writing a story here.

Simpson walks down the steps and sits down at the table, beside Hornblower.

"I've been thinking, gentlemen." He speaks up after a beat.

Archie sighs, putting his book down. "There's a first." He mutters under his breath.

"_**WHAT?"**_

"Um, nothing." Archie replies hastily retreating into the background.

"Anyhow, it's time we reconvene the proceedings of the Inquisition."

The Director, hearing his remark, glares. "What did he say?"

"He wants to torture Jews." Mr. Romano replies.

"I resemble that remark." The Director growls.

Simpson rolls his eyes. "Not _that _Inquisition!" He corrects himself. "I only meant torturing information out of one of the Midshipmen!"

"Good, how about that Blonde Kid? Who the heck is he anyway?" Mr. Romano suggests, pointing.

The Blond Boy stares in shock at the fact that someone is not ignoring him. He puts both hands on his cheeks and runs up to the camera, screaming. "_**AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHH!**_ " He then runs off, still screaming.

The entire cast and anyone else are staring in silence.

"Eh, maybe we should just go back to ignoring him." Simpson speaks up after a moment."

"Maybe we should just ignore _you_." Archie retorts with a snort.

"Maybe we should go back to the story." The Director suggests.

Simpson smiles. "Yes, lets. I want to beat the snot out of Snotty now."

Horatio sighs. "Can't we all just beat the snot out of Simpson instead?" He asks.

"Yes, let's do that!" Archie agrees, happily.

"Maybe later." The Director cuts in. "At the moment, we really should follow the script."

"Script?" The cast returns, staring.

Mr. Romano holds it up. "Yes we have one of those." He informs them. "Please go back to reading it."

**TAKE TWO:**

"Where was I?" Simpson asks, looking through his script. "Oh yes. Inquisition. Who shall we question?" He pretends to look around as if he doesn't quite know yet. "Well, there can only be one candidate." He looks at Horatio. "Who else but the Captain's favorite?" (_as he now knows better than to go after the Director's favorite_)

Horatio, hoping he means someone else, tries to ignore him.

"Cleveland, Hether, table!" Simpson shouts.

The two look at the table.

"Yes, it's still there, Jack." Cleveland answers, pointedly. "What did you want us to do with it?"

Simpson rolls his eyes. "Bloody morons." He mutters. "I'm surrounded by morons."

The others look at him blankly.

"Well? Don't just stand there, morons!" Jack shouts, annoyed. "Clear off the table and grab Mr. Hornblower's arms."

"Oh!" Hether remarks, finally getting it. "Why didn't you just _say_ so?"

Simpson makes a face as the two lackeys do as they're told.

"Leave me go!" Horatio argues.

"Quiet boy!" Simpson shouts. "The Director has a headache!"

"You're yelling louder than he is." The Director points out.

Simpson seems to ignore her, but he lowers his voice. "You're a bit of a Dark Horse, aren't you, Snotty?" He asks, with his elbow in Horatio's back. "Showing us all up in front of Captain Keene." He looks at the two lackeys holding the younger man down. "Turn him over."

The two flunkies obey as Horatio struggles.

Back near the corner, Archie and Clayton exchange worried looks.

"Now the purpose of this inquisition is for me to get to know you better." Simpson tells Horatio, with his elbow now in the younger boy's chest. "See, I know these dogs. Things that gnaw at their souls at night. Things they'd rather no one knew."

Horatio rolls his eyes. "You want _blackmail _material?"

"Yes." Simpson replies, simply. "What's **your **dirty little secret?"

Simpson starts pulling at the neck of Horatio's waistcoat, seeing a necklace around the boy's neck. "Are you a fancier of young boys, perhaps?"

The Director's other Assistant, Mr. Lights, who actually has experience in sailing, stares confused. "He's practically climbing on top of the boy, pulling his clothes off, and he's asking if _Horatio _fancies young boys?

The Director shrugs. "Simpson Psychology. Don't ask."

Simpson, ignoring the interruption, yanks the chain off Horatio's neck and looks at the tiny picture painted on it.

"Or is it that your mother makes her living on her back?" Simpson sneers.

"You filthy-" Horatio grinds out before he breaks loose partway and head-butts Simpson, nearly knocking the Sleazeball down.

The two lackeys holding him down look impressed until Simpson hits Horatio back and starts repeatedly beating his head into the table, and screaming incoherently.

The Director is holding her ears. "Can someone shut him up please?"

"He's too close to Hornblower." Mr. Lights responds lowering his pistol.

Simpson throws Horatio to the floor and starts kicking him. "Come on, Snotty!" He shouts.

"You've won, Jack! He's finished!" Cleveland shouts, desperately.

"This whoreson needs to learn a little respect for his betters!" Jack yells, _still _kicking Horatio.

"What's having respect for his betters have to do with _Simpson_?" Archie asks Clayton, quietly.

Clayton shrugs and turns to get a pistol.

End of Chapter Three. I was going to post both this and Four together, but unfortunately I don't have the time to edit the 4th Chapter. I have to go down and help with dinner. I'll try to have it up later tonight.

Anyhow, let me know what you think of it. This of course is edited from its original version to comply with the rules here. If you want to see the original version, you'll find it posted in the message board of my group site the link is on my profile page. -Cassi


	4. Chapter 4

Fun Fact:

As you've seen this fic contains cameos from our other spoofs. So far, they've mainly been playing the parts of unnamed characters, just filling in the blanks (not counting my Assistants). They will in this chapter be making more interruptions in particular Carter and Ardeth. The Morphine Conspiracy is from the regular spoofs. We have repeated offenses of certain characters shooting tranquilizer darts filled with morphine at different people. Usually those who have been injured.; which will make perfect sense for Horatio at this point in time.

For those who wondered who the guys dancing on the table in the first chapter. (the ones resembling Archie and Horatio) They are Jason Caulder "WreckingBall" and Steve Wilson "Whiplash" of my Kansas City Tornado Chase Team. Whiplash makes his first appearance in the Titanic Youth Elixir spoof here on . They will later be used as stand-ins for Horatio and Archie in later spoofs. Just to throw things off, but since they both have pierced ears, they're not that hard to tell from the originals. (I won't mention their tattoos as they will likely not be visible….and in Jason's case it's probably best we don't show all his tattoos.—he has one on his ass; reading "If you can read this, what are you staring at?")

**DISCLAIMER:** Don't own anyone except the Director. I'm just borrowing them and driving them stark raving insane. It's fun. Besides, I have nothing worth suing over and you can't have my drugs...they're MINE, ALL MINE!

**WARNING**: This fic includes character death, but since Carter is bringing him back again, no worries.

WARNING: Use food and drink accordingly. I don't want anyone to choke to death or short out their keyboards on my account.

**Fun Fact:** This is really freaky but I recently saw the _Alien VS Predator Requiem_ movie and for some funny reason, my mind can't seem to throw out the mental image of a Yautja (Predator) kick line. Hmmm, maybe in another fic somewhere, I could line them all up on a counter and have them dance the Funky Chicken in a kick line...(snaps back to reality) Oh right, this is Hornblower. (smacks self) Hornblower, think HORNBLOWER!

(pause) now THERE'S a thought. The crew of the Indie on the counter, doing the Funky Chicken in a kick line...oh wait, Horatio's tone- deaf...which I suppose would only make the whole idea more stupid.

Anyhow, back to the spoof in progress.

**The Very Unfair And Messed Up Duel: Chapter Four  
**  
Where were we? Oh yes, beating the snot out of Horatio i.e. "Snotty". Shall we continue then?

"WAIT!" Horatio suddenly shouts. "Time out!"

Simpson frowns and stops for a moment.

Horatio, on the floor, makes a face. "Have you ever taken breath mints? I can smell you from here."

Simpson, outraged, continues kicking the younger midshipman, while swinging a cat at him. (not the meowing kind, mind you, the whip)

He is suddenly forced to stop as Clayton cocks a pistol next to his head.

"Stand off." Clayton orders, quietly.

Simpson blinks. "Clayton, my bold friend, I have no quarrel with you."

"Now he's your _friend_?" Archie spits out, in disbelief. "Shoot him, Clayton!"

"Stand off, Jack." Clayton repeats, ignoring Archie. "Or by God, I'll trim the wall with your brains."

Of course that's assuming Jack Simpson even HAS a brain to trim the walls with, but hey, whatever works.

"YES!" Mr. Carter exclaims, excitedly. "Splatter his brains on the wall!"

"I don't recall you in this scene! Get out of here!" The Director cuts in.

"But I wanted to watch." Mr. Carter responds, giving his 'little-boy-innocent' look)

Beside his friend, Mr. Bay nods eagerly.

"**Get lost, Carter!" **Mr. Romano shouts.

Mr. Carter and Mr. Bay stalk off, pouting.

Simpson backs away from Hornblower slowly and Clayton keeps the pistol trained on his head.

"Take him to Dr. Hepplewhite." Clayton orders the others.

Archie, Cleveland, and Hether move to help Horatio up.

"**Noooo**!" Horatio begs, yelling, as they drag him off. "Take me to a _real _doctor or just let me _**die!"**_

On the way out the door, Archie checks to see if the Director is looking then bumps Clayton's arm, causing the gun to go off.

Jack Simpson is hit in the head and falls to the deck, dead.

The Director groans. "**Archie! **Noooo; _bad _Pet!"

"It was an accident!" Archie cries, trying to sound innocent.

Mr. Romano rolls his eyes. "Sure it was, just like all the other 'accidents.'"

"Shall I bring him back again then?" Mr. Carter cuts in.

"I thought you were supposed to leave!" Mr. Romano retorts, pointedly.

"We heard a gunshot, and figured Archie killed him again." Mr. Bay responds, defending his friend.

"But it was an—" Archie begins, still feigning innocence.

"Are YOU a rotten liar." The Director snorts, flatly. She then sighs and turns to Mr. Carter. "Well, bring him back again."

* * *

**SIMPSON VS CLAYTON: (TAKE TWO)  
**  
The others have left Clayton alone with Simpson.

Simpson resumes his calm look. "My; how bold you are with a pistol in your hand." He quickly knocks the pistol away.

Clayton, now pistol-less, steps back alarmed.

Simpson continues, wrapping his cat (again, the whip, not the meowing kind) around his hand. "But I know you for the coward that you are, don't I?"

"End of scene." The Director interrupts. "We'll leave Clayton's punishment to the imagination."

"That's not fair!" Simpson protests.

"Nobody said it was. Shut up!" Mr. Romano commands.

Simpson is now pouting.

* * *

**Warning**: Beware of the Morphine Dart Conspiracy...

* * *

**The Next Day **

Hornblower is at the rail of the ship, staring at nothing, when Eccleston comes out on deck.

"Mr. Hornblower!" He shouts.

Horatio ignores him and continues staring off into the distance.

"Mr. Hornblower!" Eccleston repeats. "What is the matter with you this day?" He stalks over to Horatio. "I gave orders-" He trails off, staring as Horatio turns.

Hornblower's face is a mess of bruises, and almost unrecognizable.

After a split second of staring, Eccleston finally manages to speak. "What happened to you?"

"I missed my footing in the dark, last night and fell." Horatio tells him, obviously lying through whatever teeth he still has left in the mess his face is in.

Eccleston gives him a flat look. "How dumb do I look to you?"

Horatio frowns. "Am I really supposed to answer that, sir?" He asks, pointedly.

Eccleston shakes his head, rolling his eyes. "You fell onto both sides of your face at the same time?"

Horatio shrugs. "It could happen."

"Come, no more of this nonsense." Eccleston cuts in. "With whom did you fight?"

Hornblower gives no response.

"Well answer me." Eccleston persists. "Quickly now and you may be dealt with more leniently."

"You mean the whole ship didn't hear Simpson screaming last night?" The Director asks, incredulously. "I thought he was loud enough to clear a city."

The Assistants and Archie nod in agreement.

"I heard a gunshot, but I wasn't in that scene, so I couldn't see getting out of bed if I wasn't being paid for it." Eccleston replies, with a shrug.

Horatio rolls his eyes. "Figures."

"Typical." The Director mutters. "Finish the scene." She elbows Mr. Romano and whispers so the actors can't hear. "Since when are we paying them?"

"We aren't;" Mr. Romano whispers back, "but I'll bet **he **doesn't know that."

"I'm waiting." Eccleston continues, going back to the script.

"I fell, sir." Horatio insists.

Eccleston sighs. "Very well. We shall see if a spell in the rigging can't teach you to tread more carefully." He responds, walking off.

Behind Eccleston, Simpson, coming down the stairs, smirks.

Horatio, watching him, sighs, then jumps a foot in the air as he feels something stick him in the arm. Frowning, he looks down and pulls out a little dart with a feather-like top. "What is this?"

"_**CARTER!**_" Mr. Romano shouts.

"What?" Mr. Carter asks, defensively. "He looked like he needed it to me!"

Horatio is looking around _very _dazed. "Whaaaaa?" He manages to slur out.

The Director sighs. "Somebody confiscate the morphine darts from Dr. Insane."

Mr. Carter rolls his eyes and exchanges a look with his buddy Mr. Bay. "Look who's calling _me _insane. Ms. I-want- to-see-the-Predators-lined-up-on-the-counter-dancing-the-Funky-Chicken-in-a-kick line."

Mr. Bay grins, shaking his head and laughing.

Mr. Lights confiscates the gun from Mr. Carter.

Archie hurries over to help Horatio. "You have to follow Mr. Eccleston now, Horatio. He has to tie you in the rigging." He tells his friend, gently steering him in the right direction.

Horatio looks in the general direction of Eccleston. "Huh? What rigging?"

Archie, as if talking to a Five year old, points up at the rigging. "See? Up there, that's the rigging." He tells him, slowly. "And now you have to spend all day tied up there in the rain."

Horatio looks up at the rigging. "Why?"

"Because you fought with Mr. Simpson." Archie reminds him, pointing at Simpson.

"I did?" Horatio asks, drunkenly, staggering to look at Simpson. "He doesn't look fought with."

Simpson holds up his pinky finger, which has a band-aid on it. "I got a splinter. YOU did that, Snotty, now you have to be punished for it."

"To_day_, Mr. Hornblower!" Eccleston shouts, loudly.

Horatio manages to stagger after Eccleston, with Kennedy holding onto his arm to keep him from falling over in the process. "I gave Simpson a splinter." Horatio tells everyone, proudly, as he passes by.

The men look at each other confused, and shrug, before resuming what they were doing.

"Oh, now that is just sad." Mr. Romano says, with a sigh.

"Well at least he's better off now than he would have been without it." Mr. Carter points out.

"John has a point." Mr. Bay agrees. "He was in pain, now he isn't."

The Director shrugs, swallowing her own meds. "Well, yeah when you put it that way, I suppose he _is _much better off. Anyhow, on to the next scene, peoples! We have Hornblower's highly edited version of his life on _Slough of Despond_, in a letter to his father."

_  
**On the Rigging in the Rain:**

We open the scene with rain falling on the steps, or is it the railing . . . or whatever that is that the rain is falling on.

As the shot widens, we see the famous Horatio Hornblower tied, spread-eagled, up in the rigging. He has a drunken smile on his face, and is singing _way_ off-key about giving Simpson a splinter.

The Director winces at the out of tune singing. "Maybe Archie better read his letter to his father."

"Good idea." Romano replies, holding his ears.

In Archie's voice, we hear Horatio's letter to his father.

"'Dearest Father, I am pleased to tell you that everything is going splendidly.'"

Archie frowns and looks up at Horatio, who grins and waves at him. "Oookaaay." Shaking his head, he continues reading:

"'I count myself fortunate indeed to serve under Captain Keene, and with so fine a body of men as to be found on 'Slough of'—I mean '_Justinian_.'"

Archie pauses. "That's not really saying much." With a shrug, he continues.

"'I am very happy here.'" Archie reads on, making a face. "'I trust this finds you as it leaves me.'"

Kennedy looks up again at Horatio, then back at the letter in his hands. "Oh I hope not." He mutters before he continues.

"'Well and in good spirits. Your affectionate son, Horatio.'" Archie finishes. "Oh what a load of bull."

Clayton comes up behind Archie and looks over his shoulder. "So I see." He agrees, shaking his head, then he looks up at Horatio, who is still singing and waving. "He's going to be sick again, I'll wager."

Archie nods. "Make sure he sneezes all over Simpson." He replies. "Maybe we'll get lucky and Simpson will get sick, too."

Clayton nods in agreement.

* * *

We assume this is now at least a week later. (or it could be a little longer and the healed injuries could be newer ones, the movie doesn't say, but Historical record confirms that King Louis XVI was executed on Jan 21st, 1793 /Acc to Archie's comments when Horatio arrived on board it would put him boarding not long after Christmas 1792. This means that the Duel took place the day Louis XVI died; which would have been the day after where we are at now. /So . . . we can only assume that Horatio has now been on the _"Slough of—I mean the Justinian"_ for at most two and a half weeks, and he met Simpson on his second day there. See? It pays to do your homework)

* * *

Clayton comes up behind him with a glass in his hand. He says it is grog, so depending on your definition of 'grog,' who knows what he's got in that cup.

We'll note Horatio is looking more like himself and less like a stoned-out-of-his-mind morphine junkie.

Clayton taps Horatio on the shoulder. "Nice shades." He comments, as he sees his friend's face.

Horatio shrugs, not turning. "They're Archie's."

Clayton nods and holds out the glass. "I put some bourbon in it, just in case." He tells the younger Midshipman.

Horatio doesn't respond.

"Horatio?" Clayton presses, uncertain.

Horatio still doesn't turn to face him. "Death." He responds, quietly.

Clayton frowns, wondering if maybe he's still on the morphine, despite his sober appearance. "What?"

Horatio, still looking at nothing, continues in almost a monotone. "I was thinking on death."

"Whose?" Clayton asks.

"Mine."

"_Already_?" Archie spits out, staring. "You've not hardly been here a _fortnight_!" He rolls his eyes. "It took me a whole _year _of beatings, as well as assaults before _**I **_was suicidal!"

"Archie, you're not in this scene." The Director reminds him.

"Shut up, Archie! You're not helping!" Clayton orders.

Archie stalks back to his cushy director's chair muttering. "Sissy."

"Continue." The Director responds, elbowing Archie.

Clayton sighs and turns back to Horatio. "Damned unsporting of the Everlasting to fix his canon against Self-Slaughter, if you ask me."

Horatio doesn't respond.

"You could always desert." Clayton suggests.

Horatio shakes his head, stubbornly. "I'd never be free of him then." He replies, pointedly. "He'd have won."

"He'd still win if you killed yourself." Archie points out, loudly.

"Archie, do I have to tape your mouth shut?" Mr. Romano asks, glaring.

"I was just trying to help." Archie defends.

"Well _don't_!" Romano snaps. "You were saying?" He looks back at Horatio.

"And that should be worse than death." Horatio finishes.

Clayton doesn't reply.

Horatio finally turns. "Somebody should stand against him."

Archie rolls his eyes. "Why didn't WE think of that?" He asks, making a 'crazy' motion toward Horatio.

"Ahem!" Mr. Romano cuts in, holding up the duct tape.

"Right, I'm quiet!" Archie returns, making a zipping motion over his mouth.

Clayton leans closer to Horatio. "That beating he gave you; that was nothing." He tells him in a quiet, but serious tone. "Believe me, you don't know half of what he's capable of."

The two of them fall silent as Eccleston approaches with Simpson beside him.

Simpson is glaring daggers at the both of them.

"The East India Convoy is expected today." Eccleston informs them. "Mr. Simpson will take a party of men ashore and report to Lt. Chalk of the 'Goliath,' who is in charge of the Press Gangs. Mr. Hornblower shall accompany him."

"Aye aye sir." Hornblower responds, automatically.

Inside, we know he's looking forward to going anywhere with Simpson like one looks forward to a root-canal, but of course, he doesn't say so to Eccleston.

End of Chapter Four. Five is complete and will be up soon. I just need to edit it for this site.


	5. Chapter 5

**THE VERY UNFAIR AND MESSED UP DUEL: PART FIVE**

For repeated warnings and disclaimers, go back to the last sections. As usual, be careful with food and drink, and I am not responsible for those who choke to death while reading this. (including the characters in this story) And you can't sue me over the rights of the show because this would only be classified as reasons of insanity. That and the fact that I have nothing worth suing over anyway.

**FUN FACT: **It's about 8am, I've not slept all night, my cat died yesterday, and I'm on drugs and eating candy. So if this is weirder than any of the other parts….which would be some incredible miracle, you can blame all of that.

Now then, where were we in the story. Ah yes, Horatio on morphine. This has actually been topped in David's Star 2, when my lovely Surgeon put Archie on Fentinel. (if you're not familiar with narcotics Fentinel is about 100 times stronger than morphine and produces waaaaay better drunkenness)

Anyhow, I'll just try to pick up where I left off. Horatio was getting a root canal, er, I mean he was going to go somewhere with Simpson, which is not quite the same level of torture, but hey, we'll work with it.

**SETTING THE SCENE:**

Clayton and Horatio are standing at the rail, Horatio has borrowed Archie's shades, and is speaking of offing himself, while Archie was making cracks in the background. Then Eccleston comes up from below followed by Mr. Midshipman Sleazebag—I mean Simpson.

Eccleston says something in the lines of East India convoy, blah blah blah, Goliath, blah blah, in charge of press gangs, yada yada, Simpson meets the guy, and Horatio is forced to have to tag around to do all the work.

Now then, are we all up to date? Good. Continue reading.

**CUT TO A BAR CALLED "THE LAMB INN"**

Simpson stands with Lt Chalk and What's his name from the Goliath. As they introduce each other, Simpson makes sure to announce that Hornblower is now apparently distinguished as the Midshipman who got sea-sick in Spithead, and in our own charts, we've distinguished Archie as the Midshipman who could still eat while the sea-sick Midshipman was practically vomiting on the end of the table.

Lt Chalk tells them to split up apparently to spot when this convoy is expected into port. Horatio soon discovers he is the one who is picked to "Patrol around outside in the freezing cold" while Simpson sits inside and drinks in the nice warm inn.

After a trip or two around the inn freezing his tails off (his jacket tails), Horatio looks into the window at the inn and sees Simpson happily drinking away, as he has obviously been since the whole split up and patrol thing began.

Simpson looks up as Horatio enters, finishes his drink and demands to know why Hornblower isn't on watch "where I left you?" Meaning of course "Why aren't you doing the work while I sit in here and drink as the higher ranking officer?"

"The convoy has not yet signaled." Horatio replies, still freezing.

"Then all is well with the world." Simpson returns getting another drink.

"As long as you're still in it, it most certainly _isn't_ all well with the world." Horatio murmurs.

"Go Horatio." Archie mutters from his seat beside the director.

"What?"

"Nothing sir." They both respond, innocently.

Simpson takes another drink. "Here's to the East India Convoy, long may they be delayed." He pauses, watching Horatio remove his cloak. "Come Mr. Hornblower, give us a toast."

"I regret to inform you that I have no toast." Horatio replies. "Why don't you just order some from the barmaids?"

Before Simpson can yell at them the Lt. Chalk returns with one of his younger Midshipman, or so we assume that's what he is. Simpson stands up and salutes, pretending he's not spent the day drinking in the inn and tells the Lt. that all his men are properly posted outside…. But really, for all he knows they could be partying at some other inn, dancing on the table tops.

Lt. Chalk after stating that they may have a rather long wait, suggests that Simpson and Hornblower join him in a glass, and that apparently, they will be playing cards in this glass, so we must assume that it is a VERY large glass.

After a while all four men are seated around a table inside of a giant glass playing cards. I assume the game is likely whist. Lt. Chalk looks around and sighs. "This really wasn't what I meant."

"What?" The Director demands. "You said you wanted to be in a glass, so you are. Shut up already and act!"

Horatio looks up at the director and her Assistants and raises his hand. "If I may, ma'am."

"What?" Asks the Director.

"You wouldn't by any chance have a deck of cards that _doesn't_ include pictures of Disney Princesses?"

The Director shrugs. "What are you talking about? Those are my niece's favorite playing cards!"

"Well, I can understand that, but don't you have any others?"

The Director shrugs again and walks over to take the Princess Cards, exchanging them for a deck of _Disney's Faerie friends of Tinkerbell_."

Horatio makes a face. "Well, this isn't exactly what I had in mind."

The Director rolls her eyes. "Fine, whatever." She finally replies. "I have _Disney Princesses_, _Cinderella_, _Tinkerbell_, Mickey Mouse and Friends and Mushu the Dragon from _Mulan_."

"Do you have any that aren't _Disney _cartoons?" Simpson finally asks.

"Technically, Tinkerbell isn't cartoons. That was more a _Pixar_ film."

"We'll take the Mushu deck." Lt Chalk speaks up, settling the issue.

"How am I supposed to take this seriously if I'm looking at pictures of some little red lizard?" Simpson demands.

"Dragon." Corrects the Director. "He doesn't do that 'tongue thing.'"

"What does it matter?" Horatio retorts pointedly. "I'm going to win anyway because you can't do math for sh**t."

And Horatio pays his due to the 'pottymouth' bucket, as the Director marches over holding out the hot pink shiny bucket, reserved for cast and crew who insist on swearing. We'll also note that the bucket has quite a bit of money in it and an angry face drawn on the side. (_Jigglypuff drew it on there when they made her pay the bucket for swearing in the _Narnia_ spoof_)

"This isn't math, idiot. It's a game of cards." Simpson insists, showing off just how much of a total moron he really is. "If you're playing this well at your age, it's because you're cheating."

"Actually it helps to play this game if you have an excellent understanding of math and a head for memorizing numbers." The Director's Assistant, Mr. Lights cuts in.

Lt Chalk nods in agreement.

"And I still say Snotty is cheating."

"That is an insulting remark, Mr. Sleazebag- I mean Simpson." Horatio puts in, mustering up his most somber tone. "For that I must demand satisfaction."

"No problem." Archie responds, pulling out his gun and shooting Mr. Simpson. "Satisfied?"

Horatio shrugs. "Yeah, that works."

Director sighs. "Medical come get the dead guy back _again_ ."

"Well, he _was_ asking for it." Archie points out, innocently.

The Director reaches over and snatches Archie's gun again.

Archie is now doing what is known in spoof world as the 'Wolvie Pout.'

The Director grins at her '_Pet_.' "You're so cute when you're pouting."

Simpson (_back already_), who is not only jealous but angry he can no longer take out his temper on Archie without being permanently maimed for it, glares. "Can we get on with this? Archie's not even _in_ this scene!"

"Awww," Archie complains loudly, "is he back _already_? Death never seems to last long enough around here."

"Welcome to the world of EvilSpoofAuthors." Mr. Romano states, clapping Archie on the shoulder. "Land where dead bodies are brought back to life with the snap of your fingers and dancing Jawas do kick-lines with dinosaurs."

"And when someone is mean, evil, and torments you; you come here and insane people will let you kill them for it." The Director finishes.

Archie brightens. "Can I move in?"

Simpson is now glaring at both the Director and Archie. We can all tell he's thinking, '_they all know I'm an idiot, they all know I'm really a coward_'….um, right, sorry couldn't help it. He's probably plotting our gruesome deaths by now.

Guess he's still ticked off about Archie shooting him in the groin with that arrow in Two Towers. These people that just can't let things go these days. Honestly, he has no sense of humor at all. [_In our defense, Archie was a lousy shot, and playing the part of Faramir, he had to fix that so we brought in the best thing we thought would give him the motivation to aim better. Needless to say his aim got much better. :x_]

"Back to the story!" Mr. Romano announces.

**SIMPS0N ACCUSES HORATIO OF CHEATING (TAKE TWO)**

**Fun Fact: Simpson has been killed 5 times now so far. There will be more.**

"How much of this do we have to repeat?" Lt Chalk asks, sighing.

"Snotty cheated." Simpson remarks.

"That works." The Director replies. "Horatio gets ticked off and Lt. Chalk interrupts them."

"Mr. Simpson had a momentary loss of temper." Chalk puts in. "I'm sure he'll explain."

Archie snorts. "'Momentary?'"

The Director shrugs. "Whatever."

"I've been accused of cheating at cards." Horatio continues, ignoring his friend. "That is a hard thing to 'explain' away."

"Mr. Simpson was speaking in jest, I'm sure." Lt. Chalk cuts in, ignoring Archie, who is now making faces and rolling his eyes. "Let's call for another bottle and drink it in friendship."

"Can we put some rat poison in Simpson's glass?" Archie asks pointedly. "It'll be friendlier."

Horatio seems to be struggling to keep his face in his serious expression. "With pleasure."

"Excellent." Lt. Chalk concludes.

"Actually, I meant the rat poison part." Horatio explains.

"Script!" Director shouts, elbowing Archie, who is laughing his ass off.

Horatio rolls his eyes. "Right. Drink in 'friendship.'" He goes on, reading from his script. "As long as Mr. Simpson begs my pardon at once in front of you two gentlemen and the entire peanut gallery over there; and admits that he spoke without justification and in a manner no _gentlemen_ would employ."

In other words, for those who do not speak this language, Simpson must tell Horatio he is sorry and admit he was being an idiot.

"Apologize to _Snotty_?" Simpson smirks. "Never this side of Hell."

"I have been insulted." Horatio remarks keeping his serious tone, as if this has never happened before. "Mr. Simpson refuses to apologize, while insulting me farther." As if he could possibly insult him worse than he's already done since the night he first met him.

"There is only one way now in which satisfaction can be given." Horatio continues.

We now must assume that either Lt. Chalk and his Midshipman weren't interested and left the two of them to duke it out in the inn, or his reaction was deemed unimportant and cut out of the movie. Whatever the situation, everyone say bye-bye to Lt. Chalk and his Midshipman as this is the last time we will see them in this story.

"Bye-bye to Lt. Chalk and his Midshipman!" Everyone repeats.

Lt. Chalk and his Midshipman breathe sighs of relief and quickly exit.

* * *

**NEXT SCENE AND BACK ON THE "**_**SLOUGH OF—I MEAN THE JUSTINIAN**_**"**

Archie and Clayton are standing with Horatio apparently on the Gun Deck, as there are guns all around them and we finally hear now how Horatio's 'satisfaction' can be reached; and his dear friends, Archie and Clayton are all full of confidence and motivation for their brave friend.

"A duel?" Archie asks, staring at his friend as if he were some freaky bug. "Are you _mad_?"

Horatio stares back. "Of _course_ I'm mad at him!" He returns, pointedly. "Why else would I do this?"

Archie rolls his eyes. "Actually I mean 'mad' as in 'insane.'" He explains, patiently. "You've gone completely _insane_!"

"Tomorrow sees an end to it, Archie." Horatio defends. "One way or another, I shall be rid of him!"

"No, we'll be rid of _you_ and the rest of us will _still_ be stuck with Simpson." Archie corrects him.

"I have an even chance." Horatio tells him, showing exactly how ignorant he truly is in Navy matters.

"'An even chance?'" Archie demands. "Simpson is reckoned one of the best shots in the Navy! He'll KILL you certain sure!"

"Your confidence is overwhelming." Horatio remarks, flatly.

"I'll act as your second, of course;" Clayton puts in. "but have you ever fought a duel before?"

Archie, hearing this, looks to Horatio expectantly.

Naturally, being this movie seems to never let people finish a conversation before it flips to another scene, but we can only assume that in Horatio's Frat-Boy background, he did not have any chances to fight duels in school. So naturally his answer would have been no. And assuming he didn't cover loading and firing guns in school, (at least they never did when_** I**_ was in school—in fact they expelled you for even _having_ one) Horatio has never shot anyone either.

So the ending of this scene that never made the movie: For all of you who wondered what was said here.

"Well, no not really." Horatio answers after a moment. "But how hard can it be to shoot someone?"

('_Shooting: For Dummies' _-The bullet goes into the other man)

"Oh great, we're totally f***ed." Archie grumbles, rolling his eyes as the hot pink 'pottymouth' bucket is thrust in his face.

Glaring, he drops his money into the bucket.

End of scene.


	6. Chapter 6

**Disclaimer:** See previous Chapters. My ADD is bored with repeating it.

**Warning: **This has got to be the most **ruined** messed up section of the story thus far. (And that's saying a_ lot_) In other words, we totally _**slaughtered **_this scene. And in an attempt to maybe put things back to some small illusion of actually following the script the Director and her Assistant had to take matters into their own hands.

**Fun Fact: **You're about to see the product of something from the regular spoofs which happens VERY often as our trains of thought tend to get off track. Our technical term for it, I believe is "_wasting time_." (In this case, I'd say the train of thought completely derailed and wrecked all over the place) Translation: Try not to be drinking or eating anything while reading this.

**The Very Unfair and Messed Up Duel: Part Six**

And we've finally made it to the actual "Duel" for which this movie was named. They changed it from being called "The Even Chance" because, Archie's logic as stated before in so many words; there's no such thing as an "Even Chance," where Simpson is involved.

**Fun Fact: ****If you've read the books, you know this duel was anything but fair. For the record, I have **_**not**_** read the books, (simply put—Archie is not in them except for two places in the Midshipman Hornblower and then he was only known as **_**Midshipman Kennedy**_**-and the part was nothing like the person he is in the movies) Right, back on subject. The Duel itself, I'm taking some inspiration from the actual books that my sis has told me about. Hence the reason this mentions the Duel as being 'unfair.'**

**(If you have NOT read the books, I won't spoil it for you but that Duel was veeeeeery interesting)**

**Warning: **I've taken my painkiller but it has not kicked in yet, the dog won't stop shaking my bed, and I'm pissed off at the touchpad on my computer that moves the cursor every time I so much as pass a thumb over it and because of that I can't type as fast as normal. (every time the cursor moves and I don't catch it right away, I end up having to erase or cut and paste because I'm typing in the wrong spot.

**Warning: **On top of all of the above, there are two cats in heat (not even mine) that are loud enough to clear a city and high pitched and won't stay out of my room no matter how many times I shoot them with the water gun or throw things at them. So every five minutes or less all night long, I've had to deal with this. Sooo the following chapter the Evil Director is in a more foul mood than normal. –and normally, when she is this bad, one must avoid saying _anything _offensive or annoying as it will result in said person's being shot.

(pause to shoot the cat again) I need a bottle of Excedrin and an anti-psychotic. .

**Back to the story:**

The Director and her Assistants (with the Director's Pet), are seated in their comfy chairs on the deck. Clayton is standing out on the Poop Deck, getting drunk. The Director, still wearing her shades, is getting high.

Archie, waiting for whenever they're leaving watches the boat row away with Cleveland, Hether, Dr. Hepplewhite, and Simpson. He looks over at Clayton, who is still drinking from his flask, not knowing exactly what he's planning to do as Clayton picks up what most would assume to be a tiller or something. For the record, if it is indeed a tiller it's one of the only tillers on the planet with lettering on the side reading, "_New York Yankees" _with the words, "_Louisville Slugger,"_ in small printing beneath.

Clayton heads below to 'talk' some sense into Horatio and Archie turns, watching the Director swallow her handful of various pills. "What do they do?"

"I can't tell you. It's a secret." She responds.

"Why?"

"Because if I tell you, you'll want some."

Interested, Archie watches her dump the rest of the assortment of pills back into the bottle. "Why do you have all those different ones in there?"

The Director gives Archie a pointed look. "Ever try to cram 15 bottles into one purse?"

"Um, no." Archie replies. "Can't say that I have, but I take your point."

He looks up as Clayton comes up from below. Horatio, of course, is not with him.

"Where's Horatio?" Archie asks.

"He had an accident."

"Walked into that '_Louisville Slugger' _of yours, did he?" Mr. Romano retorts with a snort.

Clayton shrugs. "Something like that." He turns to Archie. "Will you act as my second?"

Archie looks at the Director.

The Director is eating mini Twix bars to push down the pills. "It's in the script. You have to go." She states, with her mouth full.

Archie nods, eyeing the candy. "Can you share _that_?"

The Director, knowing that Simpson has likely taken part of Archie's breakfast, pulls out a handful and gives it to Archie.

Archie pockets the candy. "Thank you very much."

"De nada." The Director returns.

"Is it safe to let him around Simpson while he has a gun in his hand?" Mr. Romano asks, frowning.

"Archie still has his Xanth talent." She responds, watching Archie and Clayton get into the boat.

"Does _he_ know that?" Mr. Romano questions, raising an eyebrow.

"Not likely." The Director answers. "But apart from that, neither Archie nor Clayton has anything to worry about. "

"Wait, what?" Mr. Lights asks, confused.

"We're using an idea from the book version." The Director tells him.

"Meaning?"

" You'll see. On with the Unfair and Messed up Duel."

_(Xanth talents are something from the regular spoofs that have been given to random characters since Piers Anthony's _Xanth_ characters first appeared on our SpoofSet back in "A Spoof Of Chameleon," which was done after Piers Anthony's book; "A Spell For Chameleon." Most of the Assistants- which btw; Archie __**is**__ one of- just not in this spoof, as he is _acting_ in it—have Magician Class Xanth talents. What is Archie's you may ask? Well, you'll find out as the spoof progresses, because he _will_ eventually have to use it.)_

_And as for the _New York Yankees_ Baseball Bat, that was for my dear friend Jess. –And for the record, I had to look up a picture of a Yankees Bat to know what it reads on the side. Needless to say the Director is NOT a sports fan._

**On With The Unfair And Messed Up Duel:**

We open the next scene with a carriage approaching through the snow. Standing in the clearing specified for the Duel, is Simpson who is watching with a smirk.

Seated off to the side, safely out of the line of fire, is the Director and her two Assistants and Archie's empty chair. How we got there so fast, well that's a movie mystery we'll leave to your imagination, however, to point out fact; if we can bring dead people back with the snap of our fingers, we can certainly manage to move ourselves from one scene to another with no difficulties.

The Director sighs. "It's about_ time_."

"Tell me about it, I've been waiting for this for _pages_!" Simpson puts in, grinning.

"Actually, I meant my drugs have finally kicked in." The Director clarifies.

Simpson rolls his eyes and focuses on the carriage, fully confident he's finally going to get to kill "Snotty."

"You' d think he'd know that since there's like _eight _Hornblower movies, and this is only the first, obviously Horatio doesn't die in this one." The Director whispers to Mr. Romano. "Not to mention the fact that Simpson only appears in the first movie and not even all of it."

Mr. Romano frowns. "You know I don't think anyone even _told_ him that."

"Ooops." The Director responds, sounding completely innocent.

Simpson, not hearing this piece of information continues to grin . . . that is until the carriage door opens and Clayton steps out with Archie behind him, and he disappointingly notes that Horatio is missing.

"Where is he?" Simpson asks, glaring.

"I regret my principal has met with an accident which prevents his attendance here today." Clayton informs him.

"You mean the little coward has pissed himself." Simpson retorts, smirking.

"Actually, he hit him over the head with a baseball bat." Archie defends, not wanting to tarnish his friend's courage.

"Shut up, Archie." Clayton orders.

"Shutting up, sir." Archie responds, resuming his seat next to the Director.

"As his second, I am willing to stand proxy." Clayton continues.

"Proxy?" Dr. Hepplewhite questions, as if he does not know the meaning of the term.

"Yeah, you know." Clayton explains. "I shall fight the duel in his stead. Unless you're going to be a chicken, Jack."

In the background, Archie, the Director and the Assistants are making loud clucking noises.

Glaring at the group Simpson snarls. "Never."

"Wait a moment, gentlemen." Dr. Hepplewhite cuts in. "I'm not sure that's even legal."

"Legal or not, it would settle the matter." Clayton responds, staring down Jack.

Archie, watching them argue leans over to the Director. "Do you have any more of those candy bars? Clayton ate part of them in the carriage."

The Director passes him the bag, not looking away from the Duel.

* * *

Meanwhile, back on the _Slough of—I mean the Justinian,_ Horatio wakes up from his "accident" and noticing the baseball bat on the floor beside him, realizes Clayton is no longer in the room. Hearing the ship's bell, he realizes the Directoris also not on board the ship, meaning he is _very_ late for his Duel.

Knowing that Clayton has likely chosen to stand in for him, Horatio jumps up and runs, not wanting to be responsible for the death of one of his closest friends.

* * *

**And Back to the Duel in Progress**

"I will say 'one . . . two . . . three; fire.'" Dr. Hepplewhite announces. "And then you will turn and shoot each other."

"Are we hearing this, Mr. Jack?" The Director cuts in, giving Simpson a Look. "Not one, two, fire, but one two _three_? Do you understand this?"

Simpson, glaring at being spoken to as if to a five year old turns. "I can count to three." He snaps.

"Not much farther than that though." Archie whispers a little too loudly, with his mouth full of Twix bar.

Simpson turns and fires his gun at Archie. The pistol ball stops an inch from Archie's face as if stuck in something.

Both Simpson and Archie are staring at the spectacle, wide eyed.

"Oh yeah, you still have that here." The Director informs Archie, matter-of-factly. "May not be the SpoofSet, but whenever one of us Directors is there, all characters still have their talents."

"Figures." Simpson grumbles. He of course does not have a Xanth talent as he is not a regular on the SpoofSet.

"Oh, fancy that." Archie remarks, before turning back to Simpson. "Did you want that back now?" He asks, motioning to the pistol ball seemingly lodged in mid-air.

Simpson, ticked off that he can't shoot Archie, drops his empty gun and snatches another.

"I thought—" Mr. Romano starts.

"Umm, I'm not sure which one is the right one." The Director confesses. "I guess it's like Russian Roulette."

Archie, who has plucked the pistol ball from mid air to look at it, stares at her. "Wait. You mean—"

"Shut up, Pet."

"Shutting up." Archie replies. "But we might want to get this over with rather fast. It won't be too long before his actual target comes rushing in to save the day."

"Continue!" The Director orders.

_(Archie's talent and our SpoofSet are explained in the Authors note at the end of the chapter, for those who are not familiar with our regular Spoof Series)_

**Back to the Duel:**

"Are you ready, gentlemen?" Dr. Hepplewhite asks.

"Yes." Clayton answers, staring down Jack.

"Yes." Simpson returns.

"Yep." Archie puts in, staring at Clayton.

"Wait a minute." Simpson interrupts, loudly.

"What is it _now_?" Mr. Romano asks, sighing.

Simpson motions to Archie. "What do you _think_?"

The Director sighs. "Archie, no helping."

"But-"

The Director stares him down. "They can bring him back anyway, now keep your talent to yourself."

Archie is doing the 'Wolvie Pout,' but nods.

Simpson, satisfied Archie is not allowed to protect Clayton, returns to his place.

"Continue." The Director shouts. "We want this over with before Horatio arrives."

"Too late." Horatio remarks, flatly. He is panting from having run the whole way from the shore boat to the area where the Duel was to take place.

Archie makes a face. "You didn't hit him hard enough, Clayton."

Simpson brightens, seeing his original target .

Horatio holds up the baseball bat. "And who does this belong to?"

"A man by the name of Louisville." Archie informs him, absently. "He must have hit you with it."

Horatio gives Archie a flat look.

Archie grins, innocently. "I had nothing to do with it."

"Can we just shoot now?" Clayton asks, pointedly, not wanting Horatio to interrupt him.

"Fire!" Archie shouts out.

Clayton fires, hitting Simpson.

Simpson aims his gun at Horatio and pulls the trigger, giving off only a clicking noise, before falling to the ground, dead.

"Does this mean I win?" Clayton asks tentatively.

"Why was Simpson's gun not loaded?" Horatio questions, staring.

Archie shrugged. "His first one was." He points out, holding out the pistol ball. "Too bad he wasted it."

"Oh great." Mr. Romano mutters, shaking his head. "We're gonna have to re do this whole mess."

"What, we can't just accept this unfortunate turn of events and move on?" Archie asks tentatively.

"There **is **a script to this movie, you know." The Director reminds him.

Clayton rolls his eyes. "Well yes but that was sort of messed up _long_ ago."

"Messed up or not, we can't change everything." The Director informs everyone. "Clayton dies, Horatio blames himself and Mr. Sleazeball- I mean Simpson has to live so he can come back later in the movie."

All with the exception of Dr. Hepplewhite are groaning in dismay.

"Well instead of having to redo that whole mess, why don't we say Clayton is dying and Simpson was hit in the shoulder and is howling like a girl?" Mr. Lights suggests.

"We have to at least get the events right." The Director argues.

Mr. Romano shrugs, and shoots Clayton in the chest. "Problem solved."

The Director, following his lead, snaps her fingers, bringing Simpson back and shoots him in the shoulder. "There, now everything is back to the movie."

Archie, reading his script, is frowning. "I don't recall seeing anything about the Director or the Assistant Director shooting anyone."

"Not the point." The Director retorts. "Scene is over, and onto the 'Simpson screaming like a baby' scene."

**End of Chapter Six- to be continued. Simpson Kill count: 6 (and we're not even done yet)**

(_For those wondering, Archie's _Xanth _talent is similar to the force fields of Susan Storm in _The Fantastic 4_, however he had this talent before the movie came out so it was not copied in any way. The talent was created in the wake of Archie's gunshot death. To explain the differences between the two abilities –Archie's and Sue's-, Archie's talent is automatic on himself. He has no control over its protecting him. He can do this for others but has to concentrate on it, which takes a lot of energy on his part. The talent itself is technically "Force field," however it's something unique I came up with then slowly perfected. Simply put. Anything the __**talent**__, (Not Archie, mind you) perceives to be a weapon is blocked; and instead of ricocheting off the field as normally would be expected, it's more like being stuck in something. Generally the 'weapon' or projectile is stopped roughly inches from wherever on Archie's body it was aimed.)_

_(The term "SpoofSet" is referring to the movie set in our Spoof World where all the regular spoofs are filmed. –or actually, as they are not movies, but written works, the 'filming' is done exclusively in our made up Spoof World.)_

Please don't hesitate to review. I have switched back to accepting anonymous reviews. (I'd changed it because of some rather rude comments on the _David's Star_ story that while asking questions, made it clear they didn't care to know the answers but were only making snide remarks and assumptions based on only reading the first 2 chapters. All the issues addressed were explained in later chapters if they had read farther, everything was there) Anyway, that's not the issue here. I deleted the rude comments and ask that if anyone has any questions on something in any of my stories, please log in and I will respond to them. As for anything else, constructive criticism is always appreciated, and helps me correct any mistakes in writing and characterization –However as most know, my sis and I have always done extensive research on any characters we use to make things sound more realistic.


	7. Chapter 7

**The Very Unfair and Messed Up Duel: Part Seven**

**O_O I haven't had my drugs yet and they're two and a half hours late! O_O **

**AAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!**

(swallows pills)

Ahem, right then, where were we? Oh yes, Mr. Romano calmly dials 911, and after a brief moment of being put on hold, the operator sends two ambulances to the site of the Duel. For reasons unknown, they are not taken to the hospital but to that bar called "The Lamb Inn." We must assume this is because since they have no decent drugs in this time period, they need alcohol more.

**On to the Screaming Like a Baby Scene:**

Horatio is panting because they let Archie ride in the ambulance and he had to run behind it.

By the time Horatio reaches the inn, he hears someone screaming in agony very much like the sissy girl that he really is inside, we can only assume it is Simpson.

He looks up as Horatio enters, glaring. Cleveland points Horatio up the stairs.

"Great." Horatio mutters, "I've gone all this way running and now they make me run up two flights of stairs _too_!"

"It was in the script." The Director informs him. "Don't blame me."

Upstairs in the room Clayton is in, Archie stands beside the bed. On the other side of the bed is Mr. Carter, with an innocent boyish grin.

In the bed, Clayton is singing "Ding dong, Simpson's dead."

"CARTER!" Mr. Romano growls.

"Hepplewhite was drunk." Mr. Carter defends. "I checked his blood alcohol level." He shows Mr. Romano the results. "See? Totally plastered and didn't belong on a case like this."

Mr. Romano looks awed at the number then turns to the Director. "Right then. Carry on."

"That bad?" The Director asks.

"Frankly I'm surprised he was even _walking_." Mr. Romano informs her.

Horatio stares at Clayton, who has a bloody bandage around his chest.

As Archie passes, he whispers quietly. "Best not to tell him the Director brought Simpson back. He's so happy this way."

Horatio rolls his eyes and approaches Clayton.

"I killed him!" Clayton tells him proudly. "You _saw_ it!"

"I should 'a shot him in the nuts." The Director comments, quietly.

Mr. Romano nods.

"I feel the need to shoot someone." The Director goes on. "My drugs were late and not working yet."

Most of the cast dives for cover, especially Simpson, who is hiding behind Cleveland.

The Director shoots Dr. Hepplewhite. "Ok, I'm good now."

The cast sighs, relieved.

"Do you want him brought back?" Mr. Carter asks incredulously.

"Nah. Someone go kidnap Dr. Sebastian." The Director orders. "We need a **real** Doctor."

"Ahem?" Mr. Carter speaks up.

"Besides the one who killed the entire medical team in cold blood with a scimitar." Mr. Romano retorts, sharply.

Mr. Carter rolls his eyes. "Uh huh, and **you're** the one who shot them all to death not three spoofs later."

"Yes, but I'm not asking to take the place of the ship's doctor, either." Mr. Romano reminds him. "I actually LIKE my current job."

Mr. Carter rolls his eyes again. "Torturing innocent people. You would. It's not all that different than what you were doing before."

Mr. Romano ignores him.

"Security!" The Director shouts.

A "Brother" of Dr. Carter and Mr. Bay comes rushing up to the Director. The cast not familiar with the Security team is staring in shock at the Security guard, whom we'll call Mr. Steve V Raptor. (Mr. Steve) as his wife, Ms. Bridget, his brother, Mr. Nick, and his sister in law, Ms. Sara all have the same last name. For confusion's sake we'll call them by their first names as well as any of the others who are all conveniently wearing their name-tags so everyone can tell them apart.

"You rang?" Mr. Steve responds.

"We need you to run off and fetch Dr. Sebastian." The Director tells him.

"The human that Leon keeps following around?" Steve questions.

The Director stares at him. "Is he _still_ doing that?"

Mr. Steve rolls his eyes. "The human pulled a splinter out of his claw. Leon seems to think he has to follow the human around in return for 'saving his life.' You know Leon ain't right in the head."

"I've noticed that's common around here." Horatio speaks up quietly.

"Don't make me bust your nose, snotty." The Director retorts, with narrowed eyes.

Horatio eyes her, doubtful.

"She'll do it, H'ratio. Don't antagonize her." Archie informs his best friend, under his breath. "She created Dr. Casse after herself."

Horatio stares at Archie in shock. "Are you serious?" He whispers.

"Director's Pet." Archie reminds him. "I learn all kinds of things."

"Continue the scene now." The Director orders, not having heard the whispered convo. "Clayton don't have all night, you know."

**A FEW DAYS LATER: **

Don't ask how Clayton is still alive, we have our ways of insuring things like this. Anyway, back to the story.

The Director took a few days off for the Christmas holiday and has returned to her seat. We'll note she is wearing a leather jacket. She calmly returns to her seat between Archie and Mr. Romano. "Did I miss anything?"

"Dr. Sebastian arrived to take care of Clayton." Archie replies, not looking up from the book he's reading.

"Oh good." The Director responds. "**Steve**!"

Mr. Steve rushes over. "Yes Ms. Director?"

The Director hands him a written paper. "Please go back and kidnap the people listed here. When they get here, take them to the Green Room and show them what we've filmed so far on this spoof, then ask them if they wish to stay and see the rest. If not, we'll just bring them in when we get to their parts."

We suspect that most on the list will stay, whether it's to laugh themselves sick or just because they are curious to see Archie's and Horatio's earlier days in the Navy; although they will be warned that it is not all accurate as we've made a real mess of things, but the actual script to the movie should satisfy their curiosity.

"How was Christmas?" Mr. Romano asks absently.

The Director grins "I'm happy with my presents. I got pretty much all I asked for and then some. Four new sets of jammies, some nice fuzzy sockies, a very nice fuzzy blanket, and this."

The Director reaches up the back of her jacket and unsnaps a button. She pulls out a black handled hunting knife with a twelve inch blade.

Archie stares wide eyed. "Wow."

Horatio stares. "Your family knowingly gave** you** a deadly weapon?"

The Director shrugs. "Sven got a dagger, a katana blade, and a hunting knife; Reyna got two Samarai swords and a bosom knife; and Javier got a set of three Samarai swords, and at least four other various decorated knives. "

"You have a very interesting family apparently." Horatio remarks, shaking his head in disbelief.

The Director returns the knife to its sheath and removes her jacket. "Back to the story."

_For the record, we are not a family of homicidal maniacs. We just have several knife and sword collectors in the family. Javier (my brother in law) has a VERY large collection, as does his wife, my sis Reyna. Sven's is not as large, and I myself only have one other collector's knife. A folding pocket knife with deer painted on the side and a very cute decorated three inch blade. The new one looks much like the one Murdoc has in the _MacGyver_ series, except the blade is longer. I'll post some pix of it on my Facebook page later on if anyone is interested in seeing it._

**Back to the Story:**

Right, where were we? Oh yes, Clayton is dying, Simpson is screaming like a sissy girl, and the Director shot Dr. Hepplewhite. Upstairs in the inn, Dr. Sebastian has taken Dr. Carter's place as the doctor, and Clayton is_ still_ higher than a kite, as Mr. Carter, knowing personally the effects of Fentinel, (_we won't go into that, but if you've seen season 6 of __**ER**__ you already know why_) has given Clayton a very nice dose of the stuff . . . and on top of this, we will note that behind Dr. Sebastian is a Raptor, whom we'll call "Mr. Leon," who has identified himself as "The Doctor-People's Bodyguard." (_for reasons we'll not go into_)

Archie gets up from his cushy chair and returns to his place in the room with Clayton, the doctor, and Horatio.

Outside, we hear shouts of people seemingly celebrating.

Clayton, hearing the celebration, grins. "They all know I killed him!" He states proudly. "They're all having a big party."

Horatio rolls his eyes. "Can you go quiet them, Archie?"

Archie stares at him like he's insane. "Quiet who, the whole_ town_?" He retorts, pointedly. "What am I supposed to _do_, exactly? Tell them all to shut up so my friend can die in _peace_?"

Horatio stares him down. "You happen to be an Assistant and the Director's Pet." He returns, evenly. "You know as well as I do you can easily shut them all up in an instant."

"True, but that's not in the script now, is it?" Archie points out, smirking.

"Just go down and find out what's going on." Horatio insists. "That IS in the script, after all."

Rolling his eyes, Archie leaves the room, grumbling his complaints about not being allowed to be there for his friend who is dying.

"They're bringing him back anyway, you know." Mr. Romano tells him as he steps outside the inn.

Archie brightens. "Oh, okay. No worries then." He rushes off to see what's going on.

We won't bore you with the exchange between Clayton and Horatio because this one is nothing like the movie as Clayton dies, fully believing he's killed Simpson and Archie and Horatio and all the others are partying down because of it. We'll tell him the truth when he comes back.

Horatio stalks down the stairs, believing he has killed one of his best friends. Of course Simpson has to scream threats to make everyone forget he's been screaming like a sissy girl all this time.

Rolling his eyes, Horatio pulls out a pistol, cocks it and shoots Simpson before calmly walking out the door of the inn.

"He's dead." Archie tells Horatio, rushing up to him.

"Yes, both of them." Horatio replies.

Archie frowns.

"I shot Simpson on the way out."

"No not either of _them_." Archie corrects him. "Louis! The King of France? Ring any bells? We're finally going to war, and we all get _promoted_!"

"To war!" The Director shouts, in glee.

A chorus of Raptors comes dancing in, singing the _Country's gone to war _song from the Marx Brothers' movie, _Duck Soup. _Much to the surprise of the cast. "_To war, to war, to war, we're gonna go!"_

Naturally, this _would _be the time the other raptors have finally returned with their kidnapped victims, who are all staring in shock. The group includes: Sir Edward Pellew, Mr. Anthony Bracegirdle, Mr. Bowles, Major "My Lord" Alexander Edrington, Miss "Her Grace" Kitty Cobham, Mr. William Bush, Mr. Henry Wellard, and Mr. David Hobbs.

Blinking 'His Lord' turns to the Officers standing beside him. "I believe we must be in the wrong place."

"You see any other buildings full of weirdoes anywhere near here?" The Director asks, pointedly.

"What on Earth is going on here?" Pellew asks staring at Hornblower and Kennedy, who are ignoring him completely as they're watching the Raptors sing and dance.

"We're making everyone reenact the first movie." Mr. Romano tells them. "Steve, show them the DVD of what we have now. I think the good Commodore will find the part he missed _very _interesting."

"Yes, ma'am." Steve replies, ushering the group into the Green Room.

"We'll take a quick break while they watch that." The Director orders.

Archie, still watching the dancing dinosaurs, frowns. "I thought that's what we were already doing."

"No, this is just something from our overdose of the Marx Brothers." The Director answers. "Let's just say it was too much to resist."

**And another day later for the Director….who is suffering from really stressful real-life problems I won't discuss on here, just that it's pretty bad for us all and we can use some prayer from friends right now. I'll tell you later Bex. (on the bright side, the cold I had when I typed this is pretty much cleared up now, despite the fact that the "problem" is not cleared up)**

The Director enters the room, looking particularly more moody than usual. She is still wearing her new knife in its sheath, and without a word, resumes her seat.

"Uh oh, what happened?" Mr. Romano asks, noting her disposition.

The Director, sounding as if her throat is sore replies, glaring. "You're better off not knowing."

Archie raises an eyebrow. "You sound terrible."

"At this point my cold is the _least_ of my worries." The Director informs him.

"That bad?" Mr. Lights asks, tentatively.

The Director nods. "My mother actually told me not to do anything 'drastic.'"

"Okay, that's bad." Mr. Romano replies, making a face. "Need to vent?" Mr. Romano of course understands real-life struggles and psychotic episodes rather well, as do a lot in the cast of ER.

The Director shrugs. "So here I am. Did they bring Simpson back yet?"

Simpson, wide eyed, ducks for cover. "Could you please vent your frustrations in a way that doesn't involve killing or maiming me just _once_?" He requests, sounding pitiful.

(O_O _Could it be that Sleazebag is finally learning his lesson and may actually become a decent character on the set? Around here, stranger things have happened. We've had several technical "Bad Guys" who have completely cracked and joined us in insanity. If needed though, he can always hang around Ivy. After all, she tamed Jason Voorhees, why not Simpson? Then again, Jason tends to kill people like Simpson. Wait and see, I'm actually letting the characters write themselves in this and even I have no clue where it's going in the future)_

Archie frowns. "Where's the fun in _**that**_?"

The Director pulls out her knife and a gun. "I'll be right back." She calls out, exiting the room.

"That didn't sound very reassuring." Horatio speaks up, quietly

Simpson, who is just relieved she's left _him_ alone for once, climbs back into the sick berth hammock he's been in since the gunshot.

"Does she do this often?" 'His Lord' asks, frowning.

Romano shakes his head. "Not like that. Something is very wrong this time." He replies, sounding unsure. "Something in her real life, I'm betting. The year hasn't exactly been wonderful for her from what I'm told. Mainly why we've been on break so long from the spoofs. She doesn't take stress very well and this is really her one_ safe_ method of venting, but it hasn't been the same since Sven left."

The cast waits, quietly until the Director returns. She hands her very messy knife to Archie. "Can you please go clean this for me?"

Archie stares at the blood. "Um yeah." He gets up, headed for the bathroom.

"Don't cut yourself on that!" The Director shouts after him. "I don't know what's in their blood!"

"Got it." Archie responds.

"Who did you kill?" Mr. Romano asks, quietly.

"Fat Butt, Nazi Dyke, The Wonder Gerbil, Jackass, Weasel and Dorket."

Romano brightens. "Oh how nice." He replies. "Feel better?"

"Not really." The Director responds. "But we can now continue the story. Has everyone been brought up to date?"

"Yep." Mr. Romano answers, as Archie returns from the bathroom with the now clean and shiny knife. "And all have agreed to stay, as they'll be eventually used to reenact their own parts eventually anyway, not to mention they _all_ are interested in what's going on aboard this ship."

The Director accepts the knife from Archie. "Thank you."

"Not a problem." He replies.

"Also I believe since seeing the beginning of the story, the Captain, er Commodore had to offer his apologies to Mr. Hornblower, as he finally sees the duel making more sense, but he will still have to do the future scene as it was in the script when we come to it."

Sir Edward, wearing his Captain's uniform for the spoof, nods, in acknowledgement.

"Okay, continue peoples!" The Director shouts.

**Back to the Spoof**

"Where the bloody hell _were_ we?" Archie asks, looking confused. "Somewhere in there I got lost." Sighing, he drops more money into the potty-mouth bucket as the Director holds it out.

"Freedonia's gone to war." Mr. Romano informs him, ignoring the bucket.

"Right! One light in the steeple if they're coming by land and two if they're coming by sea!" The Director shouts.

In the distance, someone flashes three lights.

The Director frowns. "They're either coming by land _and_ sea or by **_air_**."

"The Blitz, take three?" Mr. Romano asks, frowning, as the entire cast who has certainly not seen the Marx Brothers movies is staring, dumbfounded. _(The Blitz, Take Two happened in the beginning of the Narnia spoof, and as the SpoofAuthor is Jewish, I don't have to tell you who won)_

"Nah, we better get back to the** real** script." The Director replies. "I think we got a page from '_Duck Soup'_ mixed up in the '_Hornblower'_ script.

The Director and her Assistants toss out the extra page and we go to a scene on board the _Slough of—I mean the Justinian_, in the Midshipmen's mess, where the mood is very jolly because Jack is in the sick berth for once, and not one of them.

Clayton is now seated in the Peanut Gallery with the others who have yet to enter the story and any number of other characters from the older spoofs that just wanted to know what was going on. We'll also add that Clayton is no longer stoned and is very disappointed we brought Jack back to life.

**The Midshipmen's Mess on the **_**Slough of –I mean the Justinian**_**:**

The Midshipmen, save Archie are all seated around the table, waiting for news as to whether they're getting a promotion. Archie is off listening in to what's going on. The Midshipmen with the exception of Horatio are all happy. Horatio is all pouty that Clayton is supposed to be dead and it's all his fault. Either that or he's also mad at us for bringing Simpson back . . . again. Possibly both.

**End of Chapter Seven: That was a Spoof Chapter. There will be more.**

**And I apologize that so much of this was spent wasting time. I'll try to have more of the actual story in the next chapter and I hope everyone had a happier New Year than I did. Christmas was wonderful, New Years sucked-Cassi (_and in case you're worried, no I didn't lose anymore animals, fortunately_)**

_Authors note: The names of the people killed by the Director are in various nicknames we have given to said people over the course of the Spoof series. In case you're new to the EvilAuthor Spoofs, I'll explain who exactly died when the Director left. From ER, Fat Butt =Dr. Anspaugh, Nazi Dyke =Dr. Weaver, The Wonder Gerbil =Dr. Babcock, Jackass =Dr. Pratt, Weasel =Dr. Edson, and Dorket =Dr. Dorset._

**Also, I'd like to thank my reviewers. Becca, (Insane Dragoness) my co-SpoofAutho**r **since Sven quit, without you, this wouldn't be possible. **

**Lady E, I love your story, want more. And if you think it's funny now, just wait. We've only just begun making a mess of this series. And yes I kidnapped Wellard for you. ;)**

**Hornblowerarchiekennedyfan: I think I got that spelled right. Thanks for reading my stories glad you're liking them. Rest assured more fun is to be had.**

_**And for the record, I own all the Marx Brothers movies and had to watch the DVD of **_**Duck Soup **_**for a replay of the "War" scene. Man, I love those movies. Good REAL original slap-stick at its best. (sigh)**_


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